What We've All Secretly Been Waiting For

Finally! I mean, jesus, those canny bloody publishers really made us wait for this one. Mercedes Corby on the front cover of Ralph. You bloody bewdy! I've been calling for this for a couple of years now. All us salt of the earth, average Strayans feel we know old Merc pretty well after seeing her in that ripper doco on channel 9 earlier in the year. Or at least plenty of sheilas like her. Doesn't she scrub up a treat! What a stroke of luck having her sister thrown in jail for all those years. Just the break she'd been waitin' for. Fuckin' ripper, mate. Made me Chrissy it has.

Much better, Punter!

A goose but at least he's managed to shave.

To those who doubt the power of TSFKA, I say - observe.

I was griping some months ago about Ricky Ponting, captain of the Australian Test team and scruffy slob - specifically his inability to shave before appearing before the media.

Well, the Seff Africans may have given us a complete pantsing but at least he's managed to locate the razor.

And in completely un-related news father of local nutjob, Terry Hicks, says his son won't go back to Afghanistan.

Well, bully for him.

Give up the murderous anti-Semitism as well Dave and you're well on the way to running in an un-winnable seat as a Green Party candidate.

Dorothy Parker Friday!

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp;

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren’t lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.

Enough!

Oh dear God, haven’t we suffered enough?

News reports;

Australia's most famous housewife, Dame Edna Everage, will share her beauty secrets with the world by launching her own cosmetics collection.

It is made in collaboration with MAC, and Dame Edna is the first Australian celebrity to have an international collection with the brand.

Sorry Pers, I know you think Barry Humphries is the goat’s knackers, but even you would have to concede this goes too far.

There are so many, fresh, talented Australians on the world stage. Why pick this tired, one-trick pony?

But by far the worst thing will be the inevitable fawning over this unpleasant cunt by the local media when he makes a flying visit to Australia to flog the product.

Again we’ll be treated to countless gushing articles about how Humphries is a “comedy legend” with a “sharp tongue” and “comic flair”.

No he’s not. He’s a nasty old man with a talent for picking on the defenceless and a fondness for making pompous pronouncements about a country he hasn’t lived in for 30 years.

The paper goes on

Adelaide stylist Filip Odzak said he thought it would be successful.

"When we think of Dame Edna we don't see a man in drag - she is an Australian icon."

Again, no he’s not.

An icon is devotional painting of Christ or the saints*, of particular relevance to the Orthodox Churches. Barry Humphries is mostly devoted to himself.

*Sadly, not Ed Kuepper or Chris Bailey.

The 3rd Way

I was going to write the following theory as a comment to Ramon’s Hezbollah post, but decided this was such a political and philosophical breakthrough that it deserved its own little space.

The left wing/right wing political scale is sadly inadequate. It's just 1 dimension after all. Perseus helps by creating the 'south wing' and also creating, by implication, a 'north wing'. Still, this doesn't go far enough. We're still only working with 2 dimensions here. Most of us live in a 3 dimensional world.

I therefore propose a political scale based on 3 dimensions: Left and Right (Width), North and South (Height), Front and Back (Depth).

The left and right indicates economic orientation. Strict, state-controlled socialism at one extreme and pure free market capitalism at the other.

On the north and south axis we have social orientation. We have a free or liberal society with values such as unlimited freedom of thought and speech to the south and social conservatism, with its old fashioned, Howard-like values to the north.

On the front and back or ‘depth’ axis, we have total, government-less anarchy at the front and dictatorship at the back.

We now have a much wider – if not somewhat more complex – range of labels to use. And we love labeling people don’t we? The names of these labels are yet to be determined, but, for example, if you were right, north and back (RNB), you’d be a pure fascist.

The book should be out for Christmas.

Buy me this for Christmas, you crunts.

I think you'll find it's a bit more complicated than that

Details here.

Are we still "all Hezbollah" now?

You may recall, at the time of Israel’s recent invasion of southern Lebanon, certain members of the “left” marched under the slogan of “we are all Hezbollah now”.

This was in turn a reference to the murderous fascist scum engaged in fighting the Israeli army.

Oh, I’m sorry; did I describe them as “murderous fascist scum”? I mean, of course, “heroic freedom fighters against western imperialism”.

Well, it seems the sons of fun in Hezbollah aren’t that keen on a free media, either*.

The Guardian reports;

In the run-up to its launch next week, the glossy quarterly Jasad ("body" in Arabic) has been generating plenty of curiosity and hostility as it prepares to take on some of the most powerful taboos in Arab culture.

Issue one of the Lebanese title includes articles on self-mutilation and cannibalism as well as stories on sexual themes by authors from Egypt, Morocco, Syria and Palestine. Pseudonyms are not permitted. Regular features will include Body-Talk, Voyeur's Corner and My First Time.

The paper also notes

Officials of Hizbullah, the powerful Lebanese Shia movement, tried to close Jasad's stand at this week's Beirut book fair.

The paper doesn't say what "tried to close" involved, but I'm guessing it wasn't a stern blog post.

You’d think, that at some point, certain people might be able to work out that Hezbollah really, really isn’t an organisation any rational leftist would care to embrace.

But comrades, don’t hold your breath.

*They’re not that fond of Jews either.

Or secularists.

Or democracy.

Or voting.

Or women.

Who cares?

This piece in today’s Age fills me with inertia.

The paper notes;

Sir Paul McCartney has disputed the long-held view that John Lennon was the political Beatle, arguing that his views galvanised the band to take a stance against the Vietnam War.

Ignoring music magazines to speak to the intellectual magazine, Prospect, McCartney describes how he caught a taxi to the Chelsea home of philosopher Bertrand Russell and this unplanned meeting sparked the musical foray for pacifism.

Well, whoop-de-whoop.

The paper quotes Sir Paul as saying about his meeting with philosopher Bertrand Russell

“He was fabulous. He told me about the Vietnam War … I remember going back to the studio either that evening or the next day and telling the guys, particularly John Lennon, about his meeting and saying what a bad war it was.”

Paul, do you really want to be associated with kicking off the odious trend of “celebrity” activists, who seem to think their (often limited) achievements in one field gives them the right to bore us rigid with their turgid opinions on all manner of modern ills?

Previously that role had been filled by the cunt Lennon. We may now have to re-think and pelt McCartney with eggs the next time he appears in public.

And as a special treat for the PETA people, I plan to be cremated in a coffin filled entirely with meat*.

*Meat other than my corpse, I mean.

We're Not Racist But...

What’s with this kid Tyler Cassidy?

I’m no great fan of the police, particularly when they over-react, and particularly when it involves the use of guns. And particularly when they book me for an illegal u-turn when it wasn’t even a u-turn you fucking cocksucking bastard! But if this kid was genuinely threatening the police with knives and they shot him out of self-defence, then they had no real alternative. Shoot him in the legs? Not likely with limited practise, adrenaline-driven excitement and an antiquated shooting implement.

It’s no good when somebody’s shot. When the person shot is a kid, that’s even worse. But what’s going on with him? He was a member of the Southern Cross Soldiers, an ultra right wing group of illiterate rednecks out to rid the country of immigrants. What’s with that? Hasn’t he enjoyed a good lasagne, a curry or a kebab? (Yes I know it’s not all about food but I’m hungry).

He didn’t deserve to be shot – who does – but what business does an ill-informed 15 year old have brandishing knives at Northcote Plaza? Probably looking for gooks, niggers or wogs to cut up. Possibly off his head on drugs or, more tragically, severely mentally disturbed. This is disastrous and nothing good’s going to come of it. Why can’t people just get along and make love, not war?

Ironically, he was shot at the All Nations Park.

Good Evening.

An open letter to the Victorian Transport Minister, Lynne Kosky.

Dear Cde. Kosky,

Look I hate to trouble you, what with that Myki thingo you’re wrestling with (and by-the-way, how piss-funny was it when you were demonstrating how simple Myki was to use and the front of the machine fell off. And all the television cameras were there. You do know that the tellies will continue to use that clip every time your name is mentioned from now until the sun expands into a yellow giant and vaporises the earth, don’t you?).

Anyway.

My beef concerns those new, yellow trams. The tone produced when the stop button is pressed sounds alarmingly like the opening chords of “Heaven (must be there)” by the Eurogliders.

I didn’t fight against fascism to have my ears assaulted by bad ‘80s synth-pop every time I jump on the tram. I suggest something more suitable, like “Love will tear us apart’ by Joy Division.

Won’t somebody please think of the children?

Hoping you’re keeping well.

Fraternal regards,

Cde. Ramon Insertnamehere.