Fuck I Hate Hawthorn

In shock news over the weekend, Geelong Football Club lost their first match in living history. The fact that the match was the AFL Grand Final and the club was an unbackable favourite to win has sent shockwaves through Australia’s bogan hub, the greater township of Geelong.

“Who’d have thunk it?” said Geelong’s normally unflappable coach, Bomber Thompson. “We’d already planned the next four months of celebrations, including a 7-day continuous tickertape parade up and down Malop Street. Frank Costa had already paid for the 20m high Bronze Replica of the Premiership Cup which was commissioned to stand proudly beside Smorgy’s at the waterfront.”

It has been reported that as many as twelve players had already got their bums tattoo’d with a cartoon cat and the words ‘2008 Premiers’ in the week leading up to the match. “We figured there’d be a long waiting list at the tattooist after the match,” said player representative, the now-to-be-much-maligned Paul Chapman, “It made sense to beat the rush and get the tat last week.”

Reports have been sifting out of the Cattery that the team had employed local champion Craig ‘Buster’ Mottram’s unique Olympic preparation system in the week leading up to the match.

“Look, we thought Buster’s sensible tactic of, “I’ll probably win so there’s no point trying very hard” was wise and sassy,” said Bomber Thompson. “The fact that Hawthorn came out and actively competed for the ball and employed, you know, tactics, took me and the assistant coaches by complete surprise. At one point in the third quarter, we even had to stop eating lunch, put our champagne glasses down and return to the coaches box.” When asked why the coaching staff failed to change the game plan when it became clear they were losing grip on the match, Bomber responded, “There’s more than one game plan?”

Authorities responsible for sending urgent supplies of Psychological Counselors to Geelong have reported that depression levels have hit global highs. “Yeah, it’s about 75% of the population,” said Dr. Upyerarsz, “And they have all been put on Disability Pensions. It’s amazing what a shock loss can do to a town. Last week, only 71% of the town was on some sort of welfare payment, and that 4% spike is a direct result of their terrible loss.”

Donations of Winfield Blues, Bundy & Coke Cans, and copies of Cold Chisels Greatest Hits may be dropped off at local Salvation Army Centres across the country.

UPDATE

Reports that Cam Mooney, Brad Ottens and Travis Varcoe have had their feet amputated by bloodthirsty fans are thus far unsubstantiated.