Thursday, January 1, 2009

Bob is Legend

So anyway, I wake up to find that a virus has wiped out the Earth’s population except for me and 9 beautiful, ethnically diverse women aged between 18 and 35. We come together through a series of coincidences and ingenious communication methods far too complex to explain here, settle down to live together in a large mansion in East Melbourne overlooking the Fitzroy Gardens and get along swimmingly.

Luckily one of the beautiful women is an excellent chef and is more than happy to cook for the rest of us each night. The mansion has an excellent industrial kitchen. Another of the women, fortuitously, is a former topless model and domestic maid who is neither a bogan nor a nag. She keeps the place spotless and looks great doing it.

We live happily, have incredible sex and chat about literature, music and films. Until I start to get bored with living in Australia and decide I want to live in a castle in the south of France. Luckily, one of the girls is a sea captain, so we drive in a convoy of luxury 4WDs – global warming is no longer a concern – to Darwin where we commandeer a sturdy, oceangoing fishing vessel and set sail for mainland Asia. We soon make land, stumble across a limousine that holds 10 (one of the girls is, would you believe it, a chauffeur) and has a large stock of liquor (not that the supply of liquor is going to be a problem…although beer may be an issue after a year and wine after 20 but Janine, the chef, assures me she can brew both wine and beer, phew) and travel across Asia, the Middle East and Europe – stopping at various points of interest – until we reach the south of France. Food hasn’t been a problem yet: there’re plenty of tins of food and we, of course, collected plenty of stuff as we traveled.

Luckily for us, one of the girls happens to be a superb physician and surgeon (with a great set of tits it must be said) so sets our minds at ease regarding potentially fatal illnesses. The Indian girl is a farmer and sets about managing our property with a view to long term nutritional requirements. We gather sheep, goats, chickens and a brown cow by the name of Greg, begin growing vegetables and grain crops and soon become self sufficient. The engineer amongst us – Madderly the German – not only sucks great cock but manages to keep our electricity running via a generator powered by food scraps. She also builds an Archimedes screw to ensure constant fresh water – the river is a 12 minute walk from the drawing room. After several years we realise that we have, probably as a result of the virus, become immortal which I consider most convenient because I’m really starting to enjoy my new life.

Some of us take occasional trips to Africa and northern Europe and occasionally Asia, just to keep the relationship(s) alive, while several others stay home at the castle and hold the fort, so to speak. We’re occasionally tormented by packs of wild dogs but luckily Bambi is an excellent shot and keeps them at bay.

It’s a lovely life and only good seems to have come from the end of humanity as we know it.


Desci said...

That's the worst LiveJournal entry I've ever skimmed.

So you've seen I Am Legend recently and think people care what you have to say... that was the point of it, yes?

Lewd Bob said...

Thanks for your thoughts Desci. Please be more specific. Were you offended by the stupidity, the unoriginality or the misogyny? Just dying to know where my daydream went wrong. Was it the number of girls? It should've been 15, right?

wari lasi said...

And then you woke up?

No. I don't even dream this sort of stuff.

They were really good drugs you were taking?

No again, on second reading your grammar is far too good and you come across as perectly lucid.

So are you just incredibly corrupt, or trying to really piss off every female, and a good proportion of the male readers?

It was a funny read though, credit where it's due. Send it to Penthouse, they'll publish it for sure. You just have to change the beginning to, "I've read this stuff before and always thought it was bullshit, until this happened to me ..."

catlick said...

So, is Lewd Bob really Dr John "Ting Tong" Ray? No, too coherent. The post-apocalyptic thing is very attractive, so much so, I reckon we should all live part of the time as if it were so.

Perseus said...

Directed by Baz Luhrmann.

Leilani said...

Wow, it's super to know that you don't objectify women AT ALL!

I don't know if "legend" is the most appropriate word for you.

Next time try "knob"!

Anonymous said...

It'll take more than 8 humans to repopulate the Earth, Bob. Your descendants will all be mutants with multiple thumbs, severe madness, and will probably become Liberal voters (if and when they rediscover the two-party Westminster system).

Lewd Bob said...

Oh there's no plan to repopulate.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Directed by Baz Luhrmann

Staring Nicole Kidman as a lump of wood.

Lewd Bob said...

And Viggo Mortensen as Bob.

Leilani, I'm thinking Bob the Knob could be the name of the film. Thanks.