Thursday, January 29, 2009

An open letter to God

Dear God*

So, this is your idea of a joke, is it?

Day after day of burning heat, night after night of slightly less burning heat with the result that the good citizens of Melbourne are going slightly crazy and are hanging out for the cool change due on the weekend.

The “cool change” being that temperatures will plummet to 31 DEGREES!!!!!!!!

Cool change, my sweaty arse.

I’m not even meant to be living here, you know. I’m genetically designed to be living in a bog, somewhere in Ireland. As Woody Allen once observed, I don’t tan – I stroke.

Lift your game; don’t make me come up there.

Hope the family is well.

Warmest regards,

Dr Ramon Insertnamehere.

*Not to be confused with the XTC song.

35 comments:

Perseus said...

Yesterday, at 4.30pm, it was 43 degrees in Melbourne, and 31 degrees where I live. We had a nice breeze. We have our own eco-climate here.

Just rubbing it in.

Sorry.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yes, but this means living in the country.

I hate the country.

Perseus said...

It did get to 41 earlier in the day... it's just that we get the sea breeze coming in every afternoon.

The country's alright. If your chainsaw breaks down, you'll be able to borrow one from any neighbour.

I'm getting a rifle this year, just so I have an answer to the question, "So what sort of rifles do you own?" which gets asked a bit in the country.

And to kill maimed roos.

squib said...

Dear Dr Ramon Insertnamehere

You are a complete wuss

Ever Cordially Yours

God

PS. I don't see you much in my temples these days

PPS. Of course the family are well - this is heaven

homesick said...

Dear Dr Ramon,

Yes it is a joke on you lot down there in Melbourne. I just wanted to see how you would deal with that kid of heat whilst wearing nothing but black and drinking steaming hot lattes.

Speak to your cousins up north and they'll explain how wearing 100% cotton will help with the smell and how opening windows for fresh air is a good thing.

Love hugs and cool breezes,

The big G

PS Nothing wrong with XTC.. I made 'em.

PPS Oh and don't me started on Allen. One movie with both Johannson, Cruz and they snog.. who does think he is?? ME?

Boogeyman said...

God: Me almighty, you Melburnians are a scousy, ungrateful lot. Next time I'll just leave the dial where it is, mmm'kay?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

One of the joys about living in the big city, Pers., is that I don't need a chainsaw.

And a rifle?

Seriously?

Where are you living, Lorne or Dodge City?

Boogeyman said...

I'm genetically engineered for living in a permanently overcast northern European environment, within a medium temperature and humidity range.

Also, oddly enough, I'm genetically engineered for living amongst many beautiful women who feed me as much fresh mango as I can eat, while whispering how wonderful I am in my ear.

And yet, in spite of this genetic imprimatur, I find myself living in a hot, sunny, cloudless, by turns overly humid or overly dry environment, being fed nothing sweeter than stale biscuits by elderly public circus matrons while whispering meeting schedules and memos in my ear.

What do you say to that God? My DNA isn't happy!

Puss In Boots said...

You guys should stop whinging. You haven't felt heat until you've been to Guayaquil. Even I, of the ever-present 'it isn't hot enough' line was sufficiently hot there. It was so hot, the sunscreen wouldn't seep into my skin, because it would sweat back out again in 0.3 seconds. And it was 100+ SPF. It was so hot, even I sought refuge in the air conditioning. It was so hot, I thought there was a gigantic lava field beneath me that was going to erupt any second.

It was fantastic!

Boogeyman said...

SPF100+? What is that, like pure liquid zinc?

Perseus said...

Oh I'm getting a rifle.

I had to put a kangaroo down by smashing its skull with a crowbar. It was looking at me and saying, "Why are you doing this to me?"

It was very traumatic, and I made a mental note at the time to buy a rifle.

*

10.30am:

Mildura - 38 degrees
Lorne - 40 degrees
Melbourne - 39 degrees

So I'm in the hottest spot in the state right now. Kammic retribution for yesterday.

Puss In Boots said...

Probably. The funniest thing is, it has 'tested under the Australian sun' on the bottle. I've never seen anything past 30 in Australia though. That's really low here. Most people use at least 50 or 60.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I suppose a rife would be useful in my continuing battle with the cat.

The plus side is that all the women are wearing their summer frocks.

W00t!

Perseus said...

I'm rubbing it in again, but in Lorne, all women are wearing, well, pretty much nothing.

The beach is infested with Boobs.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

No wonder Desci was down your way recently.

Boogeyman said...

Squire Perseus, you're turning into a real countrified gentleman.

Next you'll be writing country poetry - "The Sentimental Goth" by A.B. "Bass Guitar" Perseus *.


* Nitpickers, don't even bother pointing out the obvious.

Perseus said...

I seen 'er walkin' in the moon that lit our little farm.
She 'ad three piercings in 'er mouth, an' tatts on 'er arm -
Three piercings, fer I counted 'em, an' watched 'er as she come.
"The stove-wood's low," she mumbles, "an' young Bill 'as cut 'is wrists,"
Now, it weren't no giddy love-speech, but it seemd to take me straight
Back to the time I kissed 'er first beside 'er mother's grave."

Boogeyman said...

Bill cut his wrists? About fecking time. 'E woz always a good fer nothin' little sleaze-ball.

Perseus said...

Not even the lure of boobs would get Desci to sunbake, Ramon.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yeah, but she could still perve.

homesick said...

You want to hope that Lorne's answer to Fred Nile doesn't try to cover up those mammaries Per.

WitchOne said...

I've just spent the loveliest morning shopping and yelling at the fishmonger for not supplying lemon when you buy oysters, hence I missed out on fresh oysters for lunch.

I hate hot nights but hot days are pretty damn good!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

but hot days are pretty damn good!

You, madam, are insane.

catlick said...

Am just back from another dip in the bay. It's 50 steps from the back door and I am finally getting the point of foreshore property.

"And to kill maimed roos."
Perseus don't you have a local service you can ring to humanely kill/remove carcasses after checking for joeys? Ring the council for God's sake and stop this nonsense.

WitchOne said...

I've been accused of worse Ramon.

Catlick, the council only tend to come out for "emergencies" a maimed roo doesn't count. Just because it is a national emblem blah blah blah, it is also a pest.

Perseus said...

I'm envious Catlick. I'm also 50 paces or so, but the wind is rotten here and the waves unapproachable. A cafe lost its (aluminium) chimney this morning in the wind.

And as for the roos - It was 2am, I was 10km from the sign that had the emergency wildlife number on it, and all they'd do would be come out when they woke up and shoot the roo - may have been hours later. A woman had run over it and flagged me down. It was in extreme pain. It had to be put down, and I had been in this situation before and an old bloke had shown me how to kill one with a club-lock quickly and effectively. The woman had a crowbar. I had to do it.

Hence, the decision to buy a rifle.

Perseus said...

Oh, and fuck it's hot.

2pm:

43 in Lorne
41 in Melbourne
41 in Mildura

Though trailing in the competition, my money is still on Mildura to top the charts for the day at about 5pm.

God I love this site

Boogeyman said...

From perseusq.blogspot.com 2010:

"Interests: Shootin' roos, sinking piss, and driving me V8 Holden out bush..."

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Couldn't you have at least stunned the 'roo first by belting it over the head with the Costello Memoirs?

Perseus said...

I wouldn't do that to the poor Roo. It deserved some dignity in its death.

catlick said...

Perseus isn't the ...Flag down a motorist-"I think I've hurt a kangaroo" from the Milat Playbook?

Perseus said...

Not when it's a 30 year old woman with a crying child in the backseat.

It has dropped ten degrees in Lorne in the past half hour.

Lorne down to 32
Melbourne still at 43
Mildura at 42

I love the seaside.

Boogeyman said...

Catlick, if he's carrying a rifle, them crazy-ass outback killer single mums will think twice about messing with Walker - Texas Pirate Goth.

eat my shorts said...

It was already 20 degrees when I arrived at work this morning (shuddup, that's really hot for Tasmania). Luckily I was working in the computer lab all day (only because I'm not allowed in the staff room while it's still a building site - don't get me started on that one), which just happens to be either the coolest place at school (in summer, obvs) or the warmest place at school (in winter, duh).

What I'm *really* looking forward to is when classes start and I get 6 times a day from at least 20 different kids each time, "Wah! It's too hot, Miss EMS! I can't lift my pen! Wah, wah, wah! You shouldn't make me do work when it's hot!"

I save those gems up to take the piss out of them in the middle of winter when the rain finds it's way into the classroom and it's fecking freezing. It's always good to add in a "Boo hoo! Do you want a tissue?" after mimicking their whiny voices. I love my job.

Alex said...

I had to put a kangaroo down by smashing its skull with a crowbar.

Do you mean a crowbar that you use to dig post-holes or the type you use to pry open windows? In any event, that's just one of the reasons why it's handy to keep a tool kit in the car and make sure there's a hammer in it.

Rifles never seemed like a big deal when I was growing up. There was always injured or diseased animals to be put down or pests to be culled. Every so often the bank would sell someone up and they'd go and shoot themselves in the tool-shed or some idiot would blow their own foot off, but there was always more people getting killed or maimed crashing cars, falling off horses, or getting caught in machinery.

As long as you're not prone to fits of depression and you don't treat it like a toy you should be right.