Thursday, April 16, 2009

History for you at home!

The scene; Paris in 1095, the court of King Philip the First of France. The court is abuzz as they await the return of the King’s delegates to the International Commission for Allocating Nicknames to Early Medieval Rulers*.

Finally, the courtiers are led into the royal presence.

Philip: “Well, how’d it go boys? What nickname did they come up for me?”

Courtiers: general shuffling of feet and clearing of throats.

Philip: “Boy, I can’t wait. I wonder what it will be. Philip the Fair? Philip the Wise? Philip the Magnificent?”

Courtier 1: “Well, umm.”

Courtier 2: “The thing is…”

Courtier 3: “Err…they decided on Philip the Fat.”



…..



Philip: “What!? You’re fuckin’ shitting me! Philip the Fat, what sort of fuckin’ nickname is that?”

Courtier 1: “We argued with them Phil, but they just wouldn’t listen to reason.”

Philip: “Philip the Fat! Jesus! I’ve been working out, I’m buff. I have big bones.”

Courtier 3: “Maybe if you cut down on the carbs…”

Philip: “Fuck off, the pack of you! Get out of my sight, you fuckin’ knuckle-heads, before I boil you in oil. And don’t call me Phil!”

Courtiers shuffle out.

Philip: “Philip the Fat, Christ! Wait till Sven Fork-Beard hears about this, he’ll piss himself.”

*Possibly may not have existed**.

** He was called Philip the Fat, though.

26 comments:

Boogeyman said...

The medieval diet circa 1095 would have been mostly carbs and protein. So cutting out carbs would have meant something like a ye olde Atkins meat-only diet.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

meat-only dietThe medieval upper class ate all sorts of weird meats; swans, badgers, owls.

catlick said...

I bet they called him "Fill-up". *snort

Perseus said...

I wouldn't mind being Phillip The Fat. Less pressure. If I was Phillip The Great, I'd have to live up to my reputation every day and do great and noble things.

Being 'The Fat' means all I'd have to do is get up in the morning and eat stuff.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You make a good point, Perseus the Texan Pirate Goth.

squib said...

I have a French/Italian Medieval Recipe Book (as you do). The food sounds very hearty. There's lots of suckling pig, wild boar, hare, goose, and quail

The cherry pudding sounds nice

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Do the Squiblets say "aww mum, not suckling pig again?"

squib said...

The squiblets would think all their christmases had come at once as I'm pescetarian and I loathe cooking meat. They get their beef rations in their lunch rolls

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The other interesting thing about the medieval diet is that the water supply was often so shit (usually with real shit) that most people drank beer or wine instead of water.

"Good morning dear. Would you like a light breakfast ale?"

Pepsi said...

Would owl taste like chicken?

Perseus said...

Has anyone here eaten emu? A mate of mine went to some indigenous cooking thingo and said emu was fantastic. I've heard crocodile is pretty nice too.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

We should all be glad we live in a country where we can eat our Coat-of-Arms.

Huzzah!

wari lasi said...

the water supply was often so shit (usually with real shit) that most people drank beer or wine instead of water.I really do prefer people to say "fecal matter".

It's certainly my excuse for drinking wine and beer and whiskey instead of water. This living in a 3rd world country can be so challenging at times.

And Perseus one of the Japanese Restaurants here (yep, there's two) serves crocodile (called puk puk in pidgin) with ginger and it's excellent. And I ate emu at a place in Canberra once, I think at Black Mountain lookout. It was yummy too.

wari lasi said...

How come when you use html tags to italicise something it seems to ignore the return characters after it so the following text is right up its arse?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I really do prefer people to say "fecal matter".Well, la-de-da Mr Frenchman.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Hmm, yes.

That is a bit odd Wari.

It's only just sratred doing that.

Lewd Bob said...

And Ramon has only just sratred drinking.

wari lasi said...

Frenchman Ramon?

I think I've already told that Lasi* is a good Irish Catholic Drunk name.

It's time I sratred drikning myslef.

* Not my real name

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Well, I did have a couple of breakfast ales.

Boogeyman said...

I really do prefer people to say "fecal matter"
That's "faecal matter' you naenderthal.

wari lasi said...

Ok Boogey, but I'm increasingly falling to the Americanised bullshit spelling of everything.

I stand corrected.

wari lasi said...

Fuck. I just re-read your post and the deliberate mis-spelling of Neanderthal.

Sharp as a bowling ball today.

Lewd Bob said...

Or was it delibarete?

wari lasi said...

Is this today's illiterate thread?

Where's EMS when you need her? We can have a spelling bee. Is it school holidays in Tassie too?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm tired and my back hurts.

That's my excuse.

Boogeyman said...

Yes, it was deliberate.

My only regret is using the characters ae instead of æ. In a post on mediæval kings, discussing fæcal mætter and græmmærye mistækes by mediæval nænderthæls, I might have with my witte and wisdome ættræcted some comely buxom wenches or even ye olde Mediæval Bæbes into my ærms.