Thursday, April 30, 2009

Midweek Mad Geniuses: Mozart and Beethoven



















"I went to see my doctor the other day," said Beethoven, chalking up his cue. "He reckons I've been consuming too much lead."

"Too much lead! How much is too much, Ludwig?" asked Mozart, racking up the balls with his trademark pomposity. "I never thought lead was a problem."

"Neither did I. It's great for roofing. Anyway, he reckons the best remedy is to treat it with more lead."

"With more lead? How is that a remedy?"

"What was that?"

"I SAID 'HOW IS THAT A REMEDY'?"

"Oh. That's what I said. He assured me it would work though. He reckons it's like 'an eye for an eye'."

"Well I never. Although now that I think about it, my guy treated my mercury poisoning with lead-laced wine. And he's the best."

"How did you get the mercury poisoning?"

"He was treating my rheumatic fever with mercury-laced beer."

"Good thinking," said Beethoven as a guy in a white wig and make-up approached the table, thinking he could get in ahead of the composers while they were conversing. "JESUS CHRIST, WHAT DOES THIS CUNT THINK HE'S DOING? PUT YOUR NAME ON THE BLACKBOARD ARSEHOLE, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. JESUS."

"Better do it, buddy," advised Mozart. "Beethoven'll open up your skull like a peanut."

The guy shuffled off.

"Fuck me," said Beethoven, shaking his head. "Whose break is it?"

"Mugs away."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU FUCKEN MUPPET?"

"I SAID 'MUGS AWAY'."

"Oh yeah, right. Sorry Wolf. It's like there are mozzies in my ears."

Beethoven made a solid break and potted three balls before missing a tricky double.

"Nice try," said Mozart.

"You what?"

"I SAID 'NICE TRY'."

"Oh. Anyway, I've also been immersing my head in freezing water."

"What for?"

"Keeps me awake."

"Well it would! I had my doctor bleed me for that."

"Bleed you? What does that do?"

"Gets rid of the blood."

"But you need blood."

"That's what I said! He said it gets rid of the bad blood."

"How does he distinguish it from the good blood?"

"Fucked if I know."

"Fucken quacks, eh?"

"Yep," said Mozart, lining up a long shot. "Hey, how's your syphilis?"

"My what?"

"YOUR SYPHILIS!"

"Oh. It's ok. Apparently it makes you a little mad. Believe that?"

"I'd be mad too if my cock looked like yours."

"THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?"

"Nothing. Anyway, my guy reckons I have military fever."

"Jesus. What's that? A severe compulsion to join the army?"

"No, dickhead. It's a scabby red rash!"

"I'M A FUCKEN WHAT, YOU SKINNY LITTLE CUNT?"

"I SAID IT'S A RED RASH!"

"Ooh, that's nasty. Better get that looked at."

"I did."

"Seriously, you should. Now, what am I on? Bigs or smalls?"

52 comments:

wari lasi said...

Thanks Bob. Another gem.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

As usual Bob, your pieces fill me with awe.

And bitter, bitter envy.

But mostly awe.

With a side order of envy.

Perseus said...

Worth the wait.

Who won?

Hopefully Beethoven.

I just don't dig Baroque. It's all 'tra-la'la' and 'doop-de-doop' played by men in stupid wigs and too much rouge on poofy harpsichords and shit.

The harpsichord only belongs in two places - 1, on The Stanglers' "Golden Brown" and 2, in hard rubbish collection.

Beethoven on the other hand, oh, the music. THE MUSIC.

Romantic's where it's at. It's da shiz.

wari lasi said...

I thought Lurch played a mean harpsichord on The Addams Family.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Mozart was at least a generation after baroque.

Perseus said...

Well, Baroque fusion then, into his era...

It's still haprsichords, twee string arrangements, oboes shrilling like swallows on acid and not an angsty minor chord in sight.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The Stanglers of course inventing "baroque 'n' roll".

Lewd Bob said...

Who won? Beethoven had a relatively easy shot on the black, decided to perform a 'behind the back shot' with his eyes closed (Tom Cruise style in Colour of Money), missed and Mozart potted out.

Melba said...

Who was the guy in the wig and makeup? Sorry, a little slow here.

Nice work Bob.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

That would be W.A. Mozart, Melba.

And that Beethoven - always with the trick shots!

Melba said...

No, not in the pic, der, I'm not THAT slow, but in the story. A guy tried to jump the queue, wearing a white wig and makeup.

Lewd Bob said...

Just another pushy punter, Melba.

You know how it was in the 18th century. Everyone in a hurry.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You know how it was in the 18th century. Everyone in a hurry.

That's because they knew the French Revolution would errupt in 1789 and they wanted to go home and get the washing in.

wari lasi said...

they wanted to go home and get the washing in

Ha! Got you Ramon.

Everybody knows nobody washed back then, their clothes or their persons. They just threw a bit of talcum powder between their legs and under their pits. Obviously fellatio and cunnilingus were not popular pastimes in the 18th century.

And Melba, all the blokes back then wore wigs and make up.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Obviously fellatio and cunnilingus were not popular pastimes in the 18th century.

I'd never thought of that.

You know, this post is getting disturbingly Desci-ish.

catlick said...

Beautiful post LewdBob. All that I know of history I owe to Mel Brooks*. The French had unisex toilets way before fictional law firms did.

*History Of The World Part 1

Perseus said...

I once called a bloke a 'Bevan' (which was once, I believe, a Brisbane variation of 'bogan') and the famous Dutch theatre critic Esther Rosenberg pointed out that 'bevan' is Dutch for cunnilingus.

So Beethoven would have used that word, in the context of that something he didn't do.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

A pity, indeed Pers., that Beethoven spoke German.

Cath said...

Jesus, I grew up calling people Bevans... I didn't realise a) that it meant cunnilingus which now makes it so much cooler, and b) Perseus what do you mean "was"? Don't people still say that in the home lands of my youth???

Perseus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Desci said...

Really, everyone? Really? I don't get the adoration. It's nothing but a dull attempt at high-low culture mixed ha-has with the pool joke stolen from The Late Show.

If I read the wikipedia entries for hisorical figure 'X' and 'Y', then write an hilarious tete-a-tete referencing their respective foibles while ripping off much funnier people, do I get to be as clever as Bob?

Perseus said...

It's my day of geeting things wrong Ramon.

Still, I'm not as bad as Lewd Bob, who thought Tchaikovsky wrote Brahms' Lullaby'.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Feel free to have a red-hot go, Dess.

Desci said...

Ramon, first I'd have to do a creepy 'IF I WAS KING OF THE WORLD ID HAVE BITCHES AND THEYD DIG ME' post a la his I Am Legend one, and I just don't have the stomach for that.

Perseus said...

I thought I smoothed that one over with you Desci? Ah well. You're still welcome down here this winter, and you don't have to go to the ghost room.

Puss In Boots said...

Ouch Perseus. Baroque is my favourite. I particularly like Handel. Although I don't think he was mad.

Desci said...

Perseus: was it the drunk time or the sober time? You know me; I like a bit of Random Vitriol (tm). The Late Show knock-offs just rubbed me the wrong way (ooher).

Mmm, beach at winter...

Perseus said...

Lorne in winter = Goth paradise.

Melba said...

Let's all go to Perseus' place. I'd be fine in the ghost room.

I heard a harpsichord on Classic FM this arvo. Spooky.

Perseus said...

Can you imagine a party with all TSFKA-ers at my house? After a few drinks? The bloodbath would make it on to CNN.

Boogeyman said...

Is Lorne green in winter, Perseus?

Perseus said...

Out the back it is, but the town itself no.

The ocean is dark and violent. The cold is biting. Most of the shops are closed for winter, and the handful of locals left here wander about sometimes in the dark, hunched and melancholic. Somewhere, an owl weeps.

Alex said...

Was that some sort of Bonanza joke Boogeyman? If it was, I think it went over my head.

Perseus said...

Damn, it was, Alex, and I missed it.

The fruit and vege shop here is even called 'Lorne Greens'.

Boogeyman said...

The fruit and vege shop here is even called 'Lorne Greens'.

Please tell me it's right next to a Starbucks. Oh please, please.

Perseus said...

This is a cultured town Boogey. Not one chain store. Not one. nearest McDonalds is 45 minute drive. Nearest Bunnings, an hour. Nearest Sunglasses Hut, an hour and a bit.

Perseus said...

Actually, there's a 'Gazman' but I've never seen anyone in it.

Boogeyman said...

Gazman and Lorne Greene doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.

You're going to have to get a Starbucks, even if it means you have to drink their mocha frappuchinos 6 times a day to keep them in business.

Perseus said...

Will you settle for the Lorne Lawn Bowls Club?

In honour of that place, the pizza place is called 'Pizza Pizza'.

The pizza boys opend a burger joint`recently, and, perhaps stoned, called it 'The Bottle Of Milk'.

We all call it 'Burger Burger' anyway.

eat my shorts said...

I giggled and squealed like a pre-pubescent schoolgirl as I read your post Bob. Cheers dude.

And ... Beethoven wins. Hands down.

If I read the wikipedia entries for hisorical figure 'X' and 'Y', then write an hilarious tete-a-tete referencing their respective foibles while ripping off much funnier people, do I get to be as clever as Bob?Sure, why not? Do you want to be as clever as Bob? Do you need to be as clever as Bob? Aren't you clever in your own right? And for different reasons?

I thought the 'IF I WAS KING OF THE WORLD ID HAVE BITCHES AND THEYD DIG ME' post was lame, but I liked this one. Can't I think someone's funny at one point and a fuckwit at another point and appreciate the fact they make me laugh and then piss me off? Because, well ... I do.

Also, one question: What's a Gazman?

eat my shorts said...

Oh, and pinch and punch and all that (while I'm here)

Lewd Bob said...

Thanks Desci. Nice to wake up to that this morning. Criticism I can handle - in fact it's stimulating and a necessary part of life - but what's this about ripping off The Late Show?

Desci said...

Bob, don't be coy. You know the sketch - Eddie Charlton plays pool with Mick Molloy. Several of the jokes (mugs away, and especially bigs or smalls) are from the very well-known skit.

catlick said...

What's with the "Hair Club For Men" inscription on the manuscript?

And dare I say that any skit involving baize, balls and beer might of necessity have a little deja vu.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You're drawing a bit of a long bow there, Dess.

These are terms any pool player would know and use.

Lewd Bob said...

I do know the skit, Desci. As Ramon noted, I 'ripped off' real life, as did the Late Show guys. Mugs away and bigs and smalls! Those terms are used every time people play pool.

Anyway, like I said, I don't mind your criticism. I was trying to write something entertaining. Sorry if I failed to do so. But don't blame others if they liked it. That's the nature of things.

I'm a fan of Mick Molloy, but I had no intention of stealing his jokes. Nor do I think I did so.

Desci said...

Fair enough. Since Pers can vouch for you not being a complete cunt, I'm happy to accept that.

I still don't get the love, but each to their own, etc.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I, on the other hand, am a complete cunt.

Ophelia said...

Ramon, you're a hoot!! Hope I'm not freaking you out.

Lewd Bob said...

Well problem solved Desci. Perhaps we can start over.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

No owl puns, please.

Desci said...

INH, you've got me to vouch for you.

Sure Bob, why not.