Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Midweek Mad Geniuses: Vincent Van Gogh


Dear Theo,

It’s a lovely day here today, except some stupid fuck called me ‘Van Goff’ as I strode through the park picking tulips. So I punched her in the head. Her teacher came running out of the schoolyard to remonstrate but I cleverly pretended to be a squirrel and she eventually left me alone. At least the little shit didn’t call me ‘Van Go’. That’s even worse.

Oh the anguish of being alive!

I’m working on a new painting. It’s got a lot to do with flowers (see attached jpeg). However I’m pretty much down to yellow. Can you send me some more paint?





Dear Vincent,

You idiot. This is the last time I send you paint. Why don’t you just buy some, you cheap bastard?

Hey! Guess what? That arsehole Don MacLean wrote a song about you.

Tell that fucking midget Toulouse Lautrec he stills owes me fifty guilders.


Dear Theo,

I heard that song but assumed it was about the Big Bopper.

On other matters, I have some terrible news. I got so bored listening to my girlfriend that I cut my ear off. Turns out it’s the hole in the side of your head, not the flap of skin, that does the listening. Annoying. I also discovered my girlfriend is a prostitute. I guess that explains why she wants me to pay every time we have sex.

Thanks for the paints. Can you remind me again how to make green?

29 comments:

Perseus said...

I've always said 'Van Goff'. Is that wrong?

Tetchy Dutch people.

wari lasi said...

I love your work Bob.

squib said...

very good lewd :)

zee dutch audio pronunciation here:

http://inogolo.com/audio/wikimedia/Vincent_van_Gogh.mp3

Perseus said...

If I was at a party, and some fellow skip pronounced Vincent Van Gogh in the correct manner (as per squib's MP3) I would punch him in the head for being a prat.

It's van Goff. It's risotto. It's bratwurst. It's Confucious.

We don't have to pronounce them in their own mother tongue. Sure as Hell, they're not bothering...

squib said...

oh my god, risotto? That's not how you say it?

Melba said...

There's nothing more pretentious than people pronouncing, say, a French word in a French accent. Fuck off I say, except I can't say that to my sister. The only exceptions to this rule is 1. using a Scottish accent when talking about lochs and Glencoe highlands, and 2. the obligatory pronunciation of " me moom" and "MUN-chest-errr" when talking about northern England.

And next week's midweek mad genius has to feature Lewd Bob, affectionately of course. Perseus, please start drafting now and get in early.

Lewd Bob said...

In hope nobody's implying that I'M that pratt.

I had a friend who scolded me for pronouncing Cologne as cologne. She laughed and said "It's Koln, you idiot." I said, "I'm not German, do you say Munchen?"

We are no longer friends.

Melba said...

If you mean me, Bob, I was pointing out that I think you're a genius with the Vincent/Theo letters. That's all. Take it as a big suck-up compliment.

Lewd Bob said...

No, no Melba, the comments was aimed squarely at Perseus.

squib said...

So what do you do Lewd, when you're at a party with Persey and he punches a Dutch person in the head for saying Van Gogh?

Lewd Bob said...

A series of events that will never transpire, squib.

patchouligirl said...

'Chardonnay' sounds much better in a French accent, although I wouldn't attempt it myself. I had a boss with a cockney accent who always referred to the vehicles as 'motors' without actually pronouncing the 't' in the middle. It had kind of a ring to it - "I'm sick of these mo-ers". I thought the 'gh' in Van Gogh' was silent.

Puss In Boots said...

I pronounce all foreign cities as they are spelled in their mother tongue (though not with an accent) - Koln, Munchen, Firenze, Roma, Napoli, etc. Is that wrong?

Melba said...

So that would be Koln as in Col'n Carpenter, Munchen as in eating an apple, Firenze as in the ends of the fire, Roma as in going for a wander, Napoli as in a pole in a diaper?

I'd say on the scale of wrongness, that is even wronger than being a prat and trying to use the correct accent with the local words. I don't think it's being culturally sensitive or respectful; it's being a twat.

Lewd Bob said...

I only refer to Bangkok by its official name:

Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Quite so, Puss.

I only refer to the Melbourne suburb of Northcote as it's pronounced in its mother tongue.

It's north-CUTT, not north-COAT - you phillysteins

Melba said...

Sorry can I clarify, wasn't calling you a prat in that last sentence, Puss. Was saying people who use the correct accent with foreign words are prats. But I think it's pretty wrong what you do. But just wrong, not pratty.

Oh I'm getting into a spin.

So why?? Why do the halfway thing? Is it some nod to not wanting to be a colonial with a pith helmet?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Oi, what's wrong with pith helmets?

I have a pith helmet at home.

Perseus said...

It's fucking Munich!

Mew. Nick.

Munich.

Lewd Bob said...

I have a pith bucket next to my bed.

Puss In Boots said...

What I meant, Melba, was that I pronounce them correctly, but not with some put upon accent. As in, you can Firenze correctly without changing accents halfway through a sentence and trying to sound all Italian. I don't really know how to describe it, actually. I pronounce them correctly, is all. I just think it's respectful to call a city by it's local name when you're in that city. When I first got to Napoli and was saying Naples, the locals had no idea what I was talking about, so I switched to Napoli and all was fine. I've done the same thing in every other city I've visited and not had a problem.

Melba said...

I guess if I was talking to an Italian in Naples, and I said "Naples" and got the puzzled look, then I would say Napoli for clarity's sake, and I would pronounce it correctly. But not if it was with some non-Italian, somewhere else.

Thanks for explaining. I guess I'm the prat now.

patchouligirl said...

So does this mean we're going back to 'Peking' and 'Ayers Rock'?

phyllis.stein said...

It's north-CUTT, not north-COAT - you phillysteins

Why single me out?

squib said...

It really annoys me when Victorians say Cassle-maine instead of CARsle-maine

Barbarians

Lewd Bob said...

I'm Victorian and I say Carsel Maine. But I don't say darnse, frarnse or grarnt. That's for north of the Murray pansies.

Perseus said...

I say CASSLE-main.

I also say the Queen lives in a Cassle, not a Carsle.

And I'm a Barbarian for this?

That's fine talk coming from Western Australian, ay?

Boogeyman said...

Perseus, Greek is not your native tongue, and you are a descendant of Norman stock.

Thou art a true barbarian.

Doubly so, nay thrice so, for your throughly not couth strine "cassel".

Perseus said...

Hey, I've got some Jew in me from the maternal side. I'm 1/8th culture!