Based on a true story:
Boy, 14: I wonder what would happen if I got my dick out.
Girl, 11: Out of where?
Boy: Out of my pants.
Girl: Do you need to wee?
Boy: No, but I have this evolutionary and totally instinctive desire to get it out.
Girl: Well I don't care, whatever.
Boy removes penis from trousers.
Girl: Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?
Boy: My dick.
Girl: Is that what they look like?
Boy: It's what mine looks like.
Girl: Shit, it's fucking disgusting.
Boy: Fair go! I bet your dick is ugly too.
Girl: I don't have a dick.
Boy: What do you have?
Girl: A front bottom. And it certainly doesn't have those revolting hairs around it like yours.
Boy: What the fuck's a front bottom?
Girl: A girl's penis.
Boy: I don't even know what the fuck that means.
Girl: Whatever.
Boy: How do you piss?
Girl: None of your business.
Boy: What would you think if I put my dick in there?
Girl: What the fuck for?
Boy: I dunno. See if it fits.
Girl: Yeah, whatever, I don't care.
*
Girl, 11: Mum!
Mum: What?
Girl: My belly's starting to get bigger.
Mum: Show me.
Girl reveals belly.
Mum: Oh my God! You know what this means?
Girl: No.
Mum: It means we're going to have to cut down to five meals of Maccas per week.
Girl: Aw mum!
*
Girl, now 12: Hey, Boy.
Boy, now 15: What, Girl?
Girl: The doctor says there's a baby growing in my tummy.
Boy: In your tummy?
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: How the fuck did it get in there?
Girl: How the fuck should I know!
Boy: Did the doctor tell you how?
Girl: He said my mum would tell me.
Boy: Yeah, your mum's pretty smart.
Girl: Yeah. She knows the price of everything at the supermarket.
Boy: Cool.
*
Dad: Whose fucken baby is it?
Girl: Mine.
Dad: But who else's?
Girl: Nobody's.
Dad: There must be someone else.
Girl: There isn't, I swear.
Dad: Jesus Christ. Get me a bourbon and coke will ya.
Girl gets Dad a Woodstock pre-mixed can while he lights up a Winnie Blue.
Dad: That's better. So, who the fuck did you sleep with?
Girl: Last night?
Dad: Last night! Anytime!
Girl: Golly.
Dad: Who the fuck's golly?
Girl: My gollywog!
Dad: Oh Jesus Christ, you fucking little shit! Mum! She's going to have a black baby!
*
Uncle Glen: She was always a good girl. She's the best shot in the family. She could hit a tin can from forty paces. Fuck me if she didn't know how to rope a steer. Christ, who the fuck's going to plough the back paddock now she's knocked up?
*
Auntie Gladys: She was always trouble. Always had a thing for the boys. God knows I slept with boys at 11, but I made them shoot their filthy stuff into the dirt. Girls weren't stupid back in my day. I didn't have my first kid 'til I was 15.
*
Midwife: Push!
Girl: Push what?
Midwife: Push the baby out!
Girl: what with?
Midwife: It's ok, there it is, it's a boy!
Girl: Thank God, Dad woulda killed me.
Boy, 15: What's his name?
Girl, 12: Rawlings.
Boy: Cool. What do you think about getting its ears pierced?
Girl: He's booked in for Thursday.
Boy: Awesome.
Midwife: Would you like to cut the cord?
Boy: Fuck that, I'm going out to get pissed.
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30 comments:
Jesus
Before you all go spazzy, I must leap to Bob's defence in advance and suggest he is referring to recent news reports of an 11 year old girl having a baby.
If I wrote the script Bob, I would have had someone, anyone, smoking a Winfield Blue.
Oh, I see... Bob already prefaced it with the source material.
As you were.
I read the original article first and wasn't offended by the satire. It probably isn't that far off the mark, the girl was only 3 years older than Emma! And she hates to see people kiss in movies.
It's just depressing. There'll be a tendency to blame DOCS (or whoever) as usual, but what the fuck was the mother doing?
Jesus. Again.
I would have had someone, anyone, smoking a Winfield Blue
Done.
Wari, it's funny you should say Jesus because some people think Mary was about 12 years old when she popped him out
Squib - Jesus
And Bob, I'm impressed you went for the diminutive "Winnie Blue".
Noice.
You'd be beaten up if you said the full 'Winfield Blue' in the wrong company.
I heard the father of the girl being interviewed on today tonight or current affair (can't remember which, I was getting dinner and only heard it in the background - the two shows are interchangeable anyway). He said he hasn't been involved in his daughters life for some time or hadn't seen her for a long time, something like that. He said he kept telling DOCS but they wouldn't act. I wondered how much he was getting paid for the interview, cashing in on the publicity of his 12 yr old daughter having a baby *shudder*.
Wari, it's funny you should say Jesus because some people think Mary was about 12 years old when she popped him out
Not saying it isn't possible, by I think up until a couple of hundred years ago, most girls weren't becoming fertile until their late teens.
Still, portraying God as a child molester puts an interesting slant on things.
by I think = but I think
Still, portraying God as a child molester puts an interesting slant on things
Jesus, that's funny.
And just quietly, i hope they're henna tattoos on that baby in the picture Bob?
Gawd I hope so too, Wari. It ain't my son.
His tatts are on his left arm.
some people think Mary was about 12years old when she popped him out
Where on earth did you hear this?
I am on a personal mission to eradicate "front bottom" from use in that way. Call a vulva a vulva, I say.
I used to smoke Winnie Blues at one stage. BELIEVE IT OR NOT!
And cute baby pic. I'm sure it's not a real tattoo. Have never heard of that even allowing for "cultural differences."
It was pretty normal for Jewish women to marry at the age of 12, Alex. This was considered to be the age of puberty. Didn't Isaac marry Rebecca when she was 3?
Of course, Mary could have been 13 or even 14. I wasn't actually there
Where on earth did you hear this?
A history doco on the telly
As far as I know girls are fertile from the time they menstruate and it is not uncommon in some countries to marry them off in their early teens. The problem is that they are not developed enough to give birth without wrecking their pelvic floor and they usually end up incontinent for life. So yes it is physically possible for most girls to have babies from 12, 13 and 14 but medically not a good idea.
I too was a smoker Melba and did indulge in several thousand "Winnie Blues" over the years. I gave them up on Emma's 5th birthday, some three and a half years ago.
Smartest (and hardest) thing I ever did.
I think we're all going for the tats being fake.
Patch I saw a doco on African women who have a "pistula" (or something, I should google it) and they were incontinent and it was the saddest thing. It was related to exactly what you're talking about, giving birth too early. Then the prick that did it rejects her because she smells. It was an awful show.
As far as I know girls are fertile from the time they menstruate and it is not uncommon in some countries to marry them off in their early teens.
That's what I meant. That up until a couple of hundred years ago, girls didn't start menstruating (and become fertile) until they were around 16-18 years old. Why puberty is occurring younger and younger is a bit of a mystery but I think nutritional factors are considered the most likely reason. I'm sure this didn't stop men marrying or having sex with them though.
I am on a personal mission to eradicate "front bottom" from use in that way.
Good luck. I hope you succeed.
Wari, I believe it's called fistula, where the perineum (seperating tissue) tears, and the vagina and anus basically become a single orifice.
A girl is not necessarily fertile at first menses. Whether she had ovulated or not can't be established exactly. She may be already ovulating, or may begin ovulating some time after her first period.
Wari, what you're thinking about is a fistula which can be caused through traumatic birth of a child, and trauma can result from a too-young mother trying to deliver. Common in Africa, in addition to other types of shit going on; clitorodectomies, infibrilation and other forms of female genital mutilitation.
My smoking history also includes: St Moritz, Marlboro Lights, rollies, Peter Styves (so strong!), Alpines and I think that's all.
I've never heard of women hitting puberty later in life Alex. Maybe you're right but its a new one by me. I know in medieval times in Europe it was not uncommon to marry in the early teens but consummation of the marriage was often delayed for some years.
It was indeed a fistula. Thanks Melba and Alex, I was close! If you get to see the doco (it was on SBS really late one night) it will mess you up. It was heartbreaking.
OK, the age for the onset of menstruation in the Stone Age was between 7 and 13 years old. This is similiar to now. The age went up during the industrial revolution and so on because of poor nutrition, disease, and an overall drop in the standard of living
I meant similar
grrrrrr
Yes, it's nothing new, the idea of being betrothed very young, or married, and even having babies themselves. I think the idea of delaying intercourse because of the youth of the girl might be a fallacy, but who knows?
Also, recently there was a discussion about how horrible oboes sound. I said they sound good, people poo-pooed. I was talking about clarinets NOT oboes. Just wanted to set the record straight.
PS squib, would love to receive another Darwin for my friend, but how to pay you?? Email me?
Wari, the bits of ABC news radio that are streamed of the BBC seem to have stories on African women with fistula quite often; so I'm guessing it's a not that uncommon a problem.
PG, I've read it a few times over the years and I assume the sources were credible. Unfortunately, I don't know of anything authoritative that I can point to on the internet.
Melba, I've never been a smoker and I don't know anything about different types of durries, but when I was growing up, you weren't considered hardcore unless you smoked White Ox. Make of that what you will.
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