Wednesday, June 10, 2009

You lot will thank me for this one day.

Many people come up to me and say “Ramon, you’re a professional alcoholic with a hectic social drinking schedule. How do you fit it all in?” to which my usual response is “Drink! Drink! Girls, feck, arse!”

However, in the interest of promoting irresponsible drinking, I’d like to present the Ramon Insertnamehere Handy Dandy Guide to Alcoholism for you at Home.

First, choose a career where excessive use of alcohol is not only tolerated, but indeed encouraged. The obvious choice in this regard is as priest in the Catholic Church, but this rules out teh chicks and anybody interested in sexual congress with partners above the age of consent. As a fallback, I suggest the job in the working media.

Second, if you’re going to hide alcohol around the family home or workplace, then for God’s sake keep a mental note* of where you’ve hidden it (for example “bottle of Coopers Ale hidden in the bookshelves behind the collected works of George Orwell”, that sort of thing). For an aged relative to pop around for a cuppa, only to discover a hip flask of brandy hidden in the teapot is a definite no-no and you can’t keep blaming the time when the Deputy PM dropped around for a chin-wag, now can you**?

Finally, the early morning shakes can be blamed on your anti-depressant medication***.

And remember – white wine in a black coffee cup looks exactly like water.

Hope this helps.

* I realise this can get tricky towards the end of the evening, but make an effort do.
** Or can you?****
*** This works better if you are actually on anti-depressant medication.
**** No, probably not.

18 comments:

Melba said...

Just wait until your boy is old enough to be telling you to stop drinking, Ramon. It kind of takes the wind out of your sails if you are having a drugs/alcohol discussion with them and then you sit and quaff large amounts of chardonnay.

This is me, not you. Clearly.

Perseus said...

Jesus. I thought nobody was posting so I jumped in, and there's three! We're like a newspaper!

"you can’t keep blaming the time when the Deputy PM dropped around for a chin-wag, now can you**?

Please tell me that's true. Please.

wari lasi said...

It is a good thing Melba. Emma curbs my drinking substantially. There's not much worse than being morally condemned by an eight year old. Recent conversation:

E: Where are we going Daddy?
W: Uncle Barry's
E: Oh No. Don't get drunk and fall asleep, it's really embarrassing.
W: Ok baby.

And Ramon. White wine is too noticeable on your breath. Vodka's best for a discrete drink at work. Until you pass out of course.

Perseus said...

I'm really not that fussed about grog. I like getting sloshed with hot chicks, but to this day I've never had a sip of alcohol by myself.

You'll be horrified to know Ramon that about a month ago I bought a dozen Boags stubbies and put them in the fridge. There are still 4 left. I give them to people who pop around, but otherwise, they are untouched. I open the fridge at night and see the white wine and beer, and I have an OJ instead. I look to my cupboards and see red wine and spirits, and make a coffee instead.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It is indeed an embarassment of riches.

otherwise, they are untouched

Shame, Perseus, shame.

And you call yourself a bloke.

wari lasi said...

Ramon, you didn't answer about the deputy PM.

Well, have you had the lovely Julia around? Aren't you cross with her taking on the unions last week?

Melba said...

I think Perseus' example shows us something. People without children and/or spouses are healthier and don't need to self-medicate with alcohol.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm far too much of a gentleman to answer that question, Wari.

Melba said...

You're just a tease, Ramon. You're a Deputy-PM-Tease.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yes.

Yes, I am.

squib said...

The older I get, the more booze disagrees with me. If I have 2 glasses (the same as 8 standard or half a bottle) of red over 3 hours, I feel like, to quote Cuba, 'an unburied cadaver' for a week afterwards

Lewd Bob said...

When did Perseus call himself a bloke?

Leilani said...

I'm with Squib, can't drink anymore. Sometimes I'll have a drink when I'm out but two give me a hangover. My husband mourns the loss of his drinking partner but appreciates the gain of a chauffeur.

eat my shorts said...

“Drink! Drink! Girls, feck, arse!”

And this is why I heart you, Ramon. Quotes from Father Ted always get the thumbs up from me.

The obvious choice in this regard is as priest in the Catholic Church

Or a teacher at a Catholic school. Now that I don't work there anymore, can I admit that my colleagues and I indulged in a glass of red during one cold wintery lunch? It was really hard concentrating on spelling afterwards.

about a month ago I bought a dozen Boags stubbies and put them in the fridge. There are still 4 left.

Never speak to me again. Ever.

Perseus said...

EMS: I put it to you that my punishment outweights my crime.

I'd drink them if you came around and drank them with me!

eat my shorts said...

I just feel really sorry for that beer. Its whole purpose in this world is to be consumed. Bet that beer suffers from depression now, and I don't drink depressed beer.

Boogeyman said...

Bet that beer suffers from depression now, and I don't drink depressed beer

Perseus's beer: I'm not depressed - I've just been feeling a little flat these last few weeks.

Pepsi said...

Perseus's beer has gone Emo.