However, in the interest of promoting irresponsible drinking, I’d like to present the Ramon Insertnamehere Handy Dandy Guide to Alcoholism for you at Home.
First, choose a career where excessive use of alcohol is not only tolerated, but indeed encouraged. The obvious choice in this regard is as priest in the Catholic Church, but this rules out teh chicks and anybody interested in sexual congress with partners above the age of consent. As a fallback, I suggest the job in the working media.
Second, if you’re going to hide alcohol around the family home or workplace, then for God’s sake keep a mental note* of where you’ve hidden it (for example “bottle of Coopers Ale hidden in the bookshelves behind the collected works of George Orwell”, that sort of thing). For an aged relative to pop around for a cuppa, only to discover a hip flask of brandy hidden in the teapot is a definite no-no and you can’t keep blaming the time when the Deputy PM dropped around for a chin-wag, now can you**?
Finally, the early morning shakes can be blamed on your anti-depressant medication***.
And remember – white wine in a black coffee cup looks exactly like water.
Hope this helps.
* I realise this can get tricky towards the end of the evening, but make an effort do.
** Or can you?****
*** This works better if you are actually on anti-depressant medication.
**** No, probably not.
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18 comments:
Just wait until your boy is old enough to be telling you to stop drinking, Ramon. It kind of takes the wind out of your sails if you are having a drugs/alcohol discussion with them and then you sit and quaff large amounts of chardonnay.
This is me, not you. Clearly.
Jesus. I thought nobody was posting so I jumped in, and there's three! We're like a newspaper!
"you can’t keep blaming the time when the Deputy PM dropped around for a chin-wag, now can you**?
Please tell me that's true. Please.
It is a good thing Melba. Emma curbs my drinking substantially. There's not much worse than being morally condemned by an eight year old. Recent conversation:
E: Where are we going Daddy?
W: Uncle Barry's
E: Oh No. Don't get drunk and fall asleep, it's really embarrassing.
W: Ok baby.
And Ramon. White wine is too noticeable on your breath. Vodka's best for a discrete drink at work. Until you pass out of course.
I'm really not that fussed about grog. I like getting sloshed with hot chicks, but to this day I've never had a sip of alcohol by myself.
You'll be horrified to know Ramon that about a month ago I bought a dozen Boags stubbies and put them in the fridge. There are still 4 left. I give them to people who pop around, but otherwise, they are untouched. I open the fridge at night and see the white wine and beer, and I have an OJ instead. I look to my cupboards and see red wine and spirits, and make a coffee instead.
It is indeed an embarassment of riches.
otherwise, they are untouched
Shame, Perseus, shame.
And you call yourself a bloke.
Ramon, you didn't answer about the deputy PM.
Well, have you had the lovely Julia around? Aren't you cross with her taking on the unions last week?
I think Perseus' example shows us something. People without children and/or spouses are healthier and don't need to self-medicate with alcohol.
I'm far too much of a gentleman to answer that question, Wari.
You're just a tease, Ramon. You're a Deputy-PM-Tease.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
The older I get, the more booze disagrees with me. If I have 2 glasses (the same as 8 standard or half a bottle) of red over 3 hours, I feel like, to quote Cuba, 'an unburied cadaver' for a week afterwards
When did Perseus call himself a bloke?
I'm with Squib, can't drink anymore. Sometimes I'll have a drink when I'm out but two give me a hangover. My husband mourns the loss of his drinking partner but appreciates the gain of a chauffeur.
“Drink! Drink! Girls, feck, arse!”
And this is why I heart you, Ramon. Quotes from Father Ted always get the thumbs up from me.
The obvious choice in this regard is as priest in the Catholic Church
Or a teacher at a Catholic school. Now that I don't work there anymore, can I admit that my colleagues and I indulged in a glass of red during one cold wintery lunch? It was really hard concentrating on spelling afterwards.
about a month ago I bought a dozen Boags stubbies and put them in the fridge. There are still 4 left.
Never speak to me again. Ever.
EMS: I put it to you that my punishment outweights my crime.
I'd drink them if you came around and drank them with me!
I just feel really sorry for that beer. Its whole purpose in this world is to be consumed. Bet that beer suffers from depression now, and I don't drink depressed beer.
Bet that beer suffers from depression now, and I don't drink depressed beer
Perseus's beer: I'm not depressed - I've just been feeling a little flat these last few weeks.
Perseus's beer has gone Emo.
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