Thursday, August 14, 2008

Cooking with Ramon!

*Ring, ring*

Me: “Hello, Ramon here”.

Julia Gillard: “Ramon, Julia Gillard here”

Me: “Jules! Comrade! How’s it going?”

JG: “Oh, not too bad comrade, not too bad, what with me being the acting PM and everything. Look, I’m after your advice.”

Me: “Fire away”

JG: “I’ve got a big dinner party coming up. The boss and Therese are coming around for a bit of a nosh-up and I know you’re a wiz in the kitchen. Any tips you can pass on so I don’t make a complete arse of myself?”

Me: “The secret to great cooking is to reach a comfortable level of inebriation early in the afternoon and stay there. I like to have a bottle of Coopers Ale to hand while assembling the ingredients. It calms the mind and cools the head. Peel a potato, have a beer, get the peas ready, have a beer, that sort of thing. Then, just before you serve up, I like to gulp down a couple more belts of the house red.”

JG: “Cripes, thanks comrade. Last time we had them over, Therese knocked back a whole bottle of cooking sherry and spent the rest of the night groping Kev under the table. It just got embarrassing; Tim and I didn’t know where to look.”

Me: “Happy to help Jules. Anything for the Party.”

JG: “You’re a mensch, Ramon.”

42 comments:

Boogeyman said...

This is why so much of the Irish diet is based around potatoes.

Peel a potato, have a beer. Peel a potato, have a beer. Peel a potato, have a beer. By now you're too sloshed to safely chop anything else, so just whack it all in a big pot with a sheep shank and set it to slow cook for 2 hours. Have some more beers while it's cooking.

wari lasi said...

Peel a potato, have a beer

I was on the Stolle and cut my finger while I was peeling the spuds. It bled like crazy and it really hurts. Poor Wari.

And who's this Tim character? Perseus and I will have to put a hit man on him.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Boogey, it also explains why the Irish are so good at the writing caper and so crap at everything else.

Wari, the secret is a comfortable level of inebriation, not getting wide on the rocket fuel.

Sorry to hear about the finger, though.

Boogeyman said...

it also explains why the Irish are so good at the writing caper and so crap at everything else.

The Russians had the right idea.

Peel a potato, drink a beer. Peel a potato, drink a beer. Borsch this, comrades, let's just ferment the potatoes and drink them instead.

Now who's up for writing a quick 2000 page novel while it's fermenting? Last one to finish cleans the Gulag latrines.

Perseus said...

Peel a potato,
have a beer.
Peel a potato,
have a beer.
Peel a potato,
have a beer.
By now you're too sloshed
to
safely chop
anything
else, so
just WHACK it all
in a big pot
with a
sheep


shank...



- SAMUEL BECKETT,
Stories and Texts for Nothing
(c) 1954


Wari, I believe this Tim fucker is a hairdresser. Stupid sensual head-massaging hairdressers.

In other news relating to my old self-indulgent post, I am going to the footy with Artemis on Saturday. She has never been to the footy. She went out with Josh the Vegan last night but I decided to compete vigorously, and I said, "I know you hate footy, and it'll be cold, uneventful and we'll be sitting a mile away from the action. But do you wanna come?" and she said yes.

I'm going to chop some wood now.

Boogeyman said...

I believe this Tim fucker is a hairdresser

No no no, you've got it all wrong. The Tim fucker is Deputy Prime Minister of Australia.


I am going to the footy with Artemis on Saturday.

Good plan. Feed her lots of meat pies. Show her just how dull a life with wet vegan Josh and his nightly steamed cabbage and tofu dinners would really be.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah, from the Waiting for Lunch period.

Perseus, you realise the entire interwebs is now waiting eagerly for the next installment of the Perseus/Artemis saga.

In my experience, sport-hating chicks who agree to go and watch sport with you are one step away from chosing wedding dresses.

WitchOne said...

I finally figured out how to log back in!!!!!! My brain was expelled with the placenta, sorry guys.

Load her up on meat pies, hot dogs and beer. By the end of the day she'll be 580kgs and Josh the pathetic vegan will run a mile.

Then you can put her on a diet.

Boogeyman said...

sport-hating chicks who agree to go and watch sport with you are one step away from chosing wedding dresses.

What about sport-hating guys that agree to go watch sport with cricket-loving chicks? Is there any future in that?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Welcome back, Witchie.

Boogey, depends on what said bloke is after; a relationship or a root.

Mr E Discharge said...

Had the pleasure of meeting young Tim at a wine tasting a few weeks back. Nice guy, wicked sense of humour, ridiculously good looking. Julia was supposed to be there, but had to cancel at the last moment. Something about having a country to run. Strong opposition, Ramon. I don't like your chances.

squib said...

I'd rather poke my eyes out with a stick than go to a footy match...
I'd say things are looking very promising in the Artemis department for you Persey

I never pissfart around when I cook. It takes focus, sobriety, silence and I like to have it on the table by 6.30pm sharp

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I'm not the one pining for the delightful Julia, Mr E.

It's that scrawny rock-pig, Perseus.

And that non-scrawny, Wari.

wari lasi said...

like to have it on the table by 6.30pm sharp

Have you got young kids squib? That's kiddies dinner time.

And Mr E. you're not meant to inject reality into our fantasies!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It takes focus, sobriety, silence

Stuff and nonsense.

When I cook, I like to do it half-cut, dancing around the kitchen to Iggy Pop.

Unless The Boy is there.

Then I like to do it half-cut, dancing around the kitchen to Justine Clarke.

squib said...

Yes Wari I have kids but I like to eat early because I'm hungry by that time

You should ween your kid onto Iggy Ramon. My kid 5 year old loves The White Stripes

Boogeyman said...

Then I like to do it half-cut, dancing around the kitchen to Justine Clarke.

As opposed to dancing half-cut around the kitchen with Justine Clarke, which is how I imagine doing it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

That's the great thing about having a pre-schooler, Boogey.

You can check out teh chicks on Playschool without being considered creepy.

wari lasi said...

And pretend I'm just keeping her company while she watches Hi 5. When i'm actually lusting after Kathleen.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

When i'm actually lusting after Kathleen.

You're cheating on Julia, Wari?

Shame!

Boogeyman said...

You can check out teh chicks on Playschool without being considered creepy.

Kids: "Dad, why are we watching Play School?"
Me: "You kids like Play School, don't you?"
Kids: "Dad, we're 8 years old now. We like Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, not Play School."
Me: "Pokemon doesn't have Justine Clarke. Now shut up and watch the tv."

wari lasi said...

Mine just got home from school and was looking over my shoulder.

"Who's wari lasi?"

"That's me"

"But your name is ...."

"I know dolly, but we don't use our real names on the internet"

"Why not?"

"Just because."

"Can I go for a swim?"

"Yes baby"

wari lasi said...

You're cheating on Julia, Wari?

Well she's tarting around with the hair dresser. And Kathleen is married to the non gay guy from Savage Garden.

And I'm being strong and not making contact with my current obsession. I know she's suffering though.

patchouligirl said...

If Artemis is prepared to go to the footy she must really be keen on you. Its the equivalent of her asking you to a tupperware party.

Melba said...

yes, looking good for you perseus.

Puss In Boots said...

Yes Wari I have kids but I like to eat early because I'm hungry by that time

Don't worry Squib, I eat dinner at 6.30 too. And I don't have kids. I start work at 6.30am and have lunch at 11.00am. I am starving by 5.30pm, but my partner refuses to eat any earlier than 6.30. Fair enough, I suppose. I could happily eat dinner at 5, though.

catlick said...

I too eat early. I tend to have one daily main meal around 4 or 5 pm. I can, however, be found eating toast and home made quince jelly with 2 cups of tea at supper time.

WitchOne said...

I have a 3 year old who is lucky to have his dinner by 7, with bedtime at half past 7 this makes for an interesting evening.

I always feel bad, I thought kids should have their dinner by 6 in time to have a bath and a relax before bed. Junior boy takes it to a whole new level, an hour to eat dinner usually!!

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I always tell The Boy a bedtime story as part of his sleepy ritual.

Me: "And then our friend Kevin07 got rid of the monster John Howard and everybody was very happy."

The Boy: "Was John Howard bad, dad?"

Me: "He was very bad, boy. He would punch little kitty cats and push old ladies down stairs."

TB: "I don't like John Howard, dad. He sounds bad".

Me: "He was that, boy."

WitchOne said...

We cover maths and English as part of ours, child can spell better than I can!

patchouligirl said...

I always feel bad, I thought kids should have their dinner by 6 in time to have a bath For the past 10 months I've fed my 16 month old dinner while he has his bath at 4.30pm. I get two things done at once, he can't run away and is kept amused by his bath toys. Spillages are no problem. When we eat a few hours later I give him a plate of finger food, usually some of what we are having. I'm hoping to keep this strategy going as long as possible.

WitchOne said...

I'm worse than I thought! Patch, I have only just started bathing Junior boy daily again, until now it was every second day as his skin was drying out so badly. He still needs to be covered in moisturiser after his bath in order to keep that beautiful baby soft skin so I get to do the baby massage for a while yet at least!

Boogeyman said...

Do you need to bath them daily? Just give them a wipe down or sponge bath every second day.

squib said...

The less products you use the better. Like Ramon said, just hose em down

squib said...

sorry I meant Boogey

My apologies Boogey

wari lasi said...

This is all sounding very EB guys.

I try to make sure that the babysitter has fed my little one by 630. Sometimes I'll even ring from the pub to make sure it happened ok.

Hygiene is a diferent matter. She still doesn't get why she has to have a bath after swimming in the pool all afternoon.

We went to Rabaul at Easter and I'd been out fishing for two days.

"When did you last have a wash?"

"I dunno, not today!"

"You're a grub"

"I am not, everybody says I'm beautiful, YOU say I'm beautiful"

And she is.

WitchOne said...

Not too EB, we're just having a "moment", it will pass. Junior boy loves his new routine and if he takes too long over dinner and doesn't get his bath he gets most upset. Hygiene is important, we have told him since he grew teeth that if they aren't brushed daily they'll fall out and he'll be stuck with soup for every meal.

Mind you, tell him he's being naughty and I get "Angel boys aren't naughty, they're GOOD!"

But they aren't, they're awesome and that's better.

wari lasi said...

I tell her that grass will grow on them. One of the Ten Commandments of the house is never leaving the house without brushing your teeth.

The falling out threat won't work with her just at the moment. They're falling out anyway.

squib said...

I think good teeth and hand hygiene is important. However I do think children are over washed and covered in too many products which their skin doesn't need

A doctor of mine said she doesn't even let her children use soap except for hand washing

patchouligirl said...

She still doesn't get why she has to have a bath after swimming in the pool all afternoon I have trouble with that too. The chlorine levels in the swim class pool would surely frighten off any bacteria until the next day.

homesick said...

Me: "And then our friend Kevin07 got rid of the monster John Howard and everybody was very happy."

The Boy: "Was John Howard bad, dad?"

Me: "He was very bad, boy. He would punch little kitty cats and push old ladies down stairs."

TB: "I don't like John Howard, dad. He sounds bad".

Me: "He was that, boy.",



I took the same delight in my 7 year old when, dining with the assembled throng on right wing toosers that are spouse's family, she happened to spot Dubya and his missus on the TV during the Olympics and preceed to point at the screen & yell "BOO" at his image.

I'm not ashamed to say a small tear ran down my face with utter joy and pride... a perfect reaction in the perfect setting.

homesick said...

"assembled throng of right-winged tossers" is how that should've read.

Sorry.