Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wow, A Diet That Really Works! Not.

I have to make myself more handsome.

There are three women in my sights.

1. Artemis, recently discussed here at TSFKA, who although still 'kinda seeing' a floppy vegan, is in regular contact and is coming down with a girlfriend of hers to stay with me not this weekend but the next.

2. Helen of Troy (formerly referred to as 'Chryseus', but that's too obscure) who has recently left a 3-year relationship and I am attempting to be 'there for her'.

3. Pony Girl from the Mallee Desert, discussed on my other blog, who has just returned from overseas without her boyfriend and is now freshly single but living in the Mallee Desert.

All three are mid-20's.

I have such a low opinion of myself these days (because of my age-related looks)that, inspired by the recent works of Christopher Hitchens, who, in Vanity Fair, embarked on a 12 month 'beautifying' regime, I've decided to somehow make myself more handsome by becoming healthier.

But I'm stumbling at the first hurdle. I'm 6 foot tall and weigh 68kg, and even that low weight is distributed poorly. For the past 2 weeks I've been doing weights and stretches and crunches and power-walking almost every night in an attempt to not just build muscle, but gain weight. The problem is, I'm not gaining weight because food just isn't my thing. I LOVE food... once, maybe twice a day. I eat big, once a day. But breakfast is not part of it. I get up at about 7am, and don't feel hungry until 11am. Not just that, I feel nauseated at the thought of food until 11am.

How the hell do people eat breakfast? How do I create an appetite for it?

Lunch and tea is no problem - I eat like a horse. But if I'm to put on weight, good weight (ie: not beer / junkfood weight) I have to eat breakfast... and snack during the day.

Any ideas that aren't "quit smoking"?

In the absence of youthful good looks, I need at least a fit, buff body if I'm to have any chance with these damsels.

29 comments:

Boogeyman said...

Maybe get a personal trainer?

Apparently you need to eat a lot of protein a couple of hours before (or after, I can't remember which) a weights workout.

Desci said...

Bugger bulking up. Many girls like a man made of cock and ribs.

But, if you MUST, I concur with Boogey.

squib said...

I don't eat brekky either. Years and YEARS ago I dated someone younger than me and one of the first things I did was buy some stupid eye anti-wrinkle gel

Yeah I don't know, a tough one, you gotta feel for someone who finds it hard to get FAT don't you. Really my heart goes out to you


not

squib said...

ps. Vladimir Putin does judo every day. Maybe you could try that

Louche said...

Breakfast smoothies? Milk, yoghurt, banana, honey, a dash of muesli and a scoop of protein powder.
The Nerd is naturally skinny (though you'd never guess it looking at his brothers) and it annoys me no end that he can drop a couple of kilos just by switching to Coke Zero.

Perseus said...

The only girls I get to pick up are the ones that dig that scrawny rock-guy look, but the problem is Desci, I'm cock, ribs and a bulging stomach. It's unsightly. I want to shrink the stomach, and put weight on everywhere else. Not much, just enough to have some 'tone'. 75kg?

I have protein shakes straight after workouts but they are so filling I'm not hungry for hours afterwards.

There's no dentist, doctor, laundry, priest or gas pipes in my town, let alone PT's and Judo centres.

Maybe I should just forcefeed.

Boogeyman said...

Bugger bulking up. Many girls like a man made of cock and ribs.

Finally. A female demographic I can appeal to.

Perseus, a couple of ideas:

1) Find a type of exercise/sport that you actually enjoy doing. That way, there's no motivation problems, because you look forward to whatever it is you do.

2) Just focus on getting fit overall, rather than targetting individual areas like your stomach. Your weight and physique will sort itself out.

Leilani said...

...or you could just quit smoking.

shitbmxrider said...

could be worse...


you could be 23, 5'11" and 130kg's.



Yeeeah


I joined a gym last week, however.

Perseus said...

I'll take 7kgs from you, Shitbmx.

Perseus said...

Boogey: Yes, that's a good idea. Footy season is over, but I do enjoy running. The cigarettes are a block, but maybe if I just run and run the cigarettes may dwindle anyway.

Angelina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ramon Insertnamehere said...

There's no dentist, doctor, laundry, priest or gas pipes in my town, let alone PT's and Judo centres.

This is why I hate the countryside.

Perseus said...

But we have an ocean, Ramon.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I hate the ocean.

Boogeyman said...

The cigarettes are a block, but maybe if I just run and run the cigarettes may dwindle anyway.

No, I think you have to voluntarily chuck them away. They don't just get smaller the more you run.

Perseus said...

Stop blaming the ocean for Tim Winton, Ramon.

Perseus said...

Ramon, you're a journalist. When The Age reports that The Age journalists are on strike, who then is writing the article? The mailboy?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Management, Perseus.

patchouligirl said...

If you want abs, do sit ups. It isn't rocket science. Meanwhile, in the realms of the achievable, make sure you smell good. Women like men to smell nice. A few drinks, some soft lighting or candlelight will all work in your favour. I still think you are worrying about nothing you aren't that old.

Perseus said...

I did 122 situps last night - a record! But situps only strengthen one's stomach, they don't make it flat. That comes with cardio and diet.

I know I'm not that old, but they don't.

Boogeyman said...

Perseus, I think certain stomach and lower back stretches and flexes strengthen the deeper postural abdominal muscles, which helps loose that midriff weight. Try some yoga.

But yeah, situps will give you sixpack abs, but won't get rid of the visceral fat.

homesick said...

Pilates, cut down on the complex carbs (that means beer) and then weight training to bulk up.

Seriously just two weeks off the carbs and my belly disappeared

Just doing the Pilates will get a modern woman interested. Nothing beats a SNAG that is in a band, lives by the sea and still loves his footy.

And you wonder why I have a crush on Perseus people...

WitchOne said...

Homesick, I'll stick with my crush on Wari, he drinks more.

2 weeks off carbs?? Some people are insane!!

Pers, move to civilisation, I'll cook for you, they do say that what doesn't kill makes you stronger...

patchouligirl said...

I'm no expert but I'm sure you shouldn't eliminate carbs altogether because your body needs some carbs. I think I remember hearing that you get tired pretty much straightaway if you cut out all carbs. Beer, however, can be eliminated altogether without any adverse effects.

homesick said...

I'm no expert but I'm sure you shouldn't eliminate carbs altogether because your body needs some carbs. I think I remember hearing that you get tired pretty much straightaway if you cut out all carbs.

I agree PG but desperate times call for desperate measures. Once our beloved Perseus has successfully 'pulled' then its back to the fresh bread and sticky rice.

wari lasi said...

Thanks Witchie! You made my day.

Perseus, give up smoking. Seriously, you can't really commit to any decent health regime while you continue. You want muscle bulk and regularly inhale carbon monoxide? I don't think so.

You must be a beanpole. I'm 78 kgs and 178cm. And I'm not fat by any stretch of the imagination either, I like to think.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

cut down on the complex carbs (that means beer)

What are you, some sort of crazy person?

WitchOne said...

What is wrong with you all??

Everyone knows a diet to lose weight is energy in vs. energy out right? Take in less than you use and you lose weight.

Pers, just do the opposite!

*sigh* do I have to think of everything??