Thursday, July 17, 2008

The day I endured Alison Stephenson

Hi all. I went to see a movie the other day. I didn't like it. It was dark and scary, whereas I like bright and happy kids' movies. Some parents who subjected their underage brats to it agreed. The end.

Don't like my movie reviews? Well feck you all, because it seems this standard is sufficient to get a gig writing for, if Alison Stephenson's movie reviews are any indication.

Paid by her employer to attend the first Australian viewing of The Dark Knight, Alison gives us her imaginatively titled The day I endured the Dark Knight. Forboding an execrable, overhyped yawn-fest of a film, Alison instead spends most of the review telling us how much she dislikes scary movies, clowns, blood tests, superhero movies, dark themes, and sleeps with a night light after watching disturbing thrillers like Play School.

She doesn't fill us in on things like plot, character portrayal, subtext or potential for enjoyment by its intended audience, but apparently all those things are by-the-by for a movie review. First person impressions and subjective opinions are all that count.

She then caps it off with a quote from Sydney mother Laurina who took her 8 year old along to see it, was 'highly disturbed by the violent scenes' and spent much of the time covering her son's eyes, as an example of audience reaction. Why any parent would take such a young child along to an M-rated film described in most media reports as dark themed and psychologically disturbing is beyond me, but apparently such twits somehow represent TDK's intended audience.

I'd like to see The Dark Knight in the cinemas, but probably will never get the chance, since I really can't justify $60 in child-minding fees just to see a film, now matter how many good reviews it gets. And unlike Laurina, I understand what 'M' in the OFLC ratings system means, so won't be dragging my 8 year olds along to it. So suck it up Alison Stephenson. You got to see it on work time, paid for by your employer. Next time palm the assignment off to an appreciative colleague with above primary school level communication skills, and reserve the next Care Bears review assignment for yourself, you talentless git.

I give Alison Stephenson's effort a 7 on the International Clem Bastow Scale* for lazy, uninformative, self-absorbed reviewing.

* Abbreviated to ICBS - note that it ends with BS, which is kind of appropriate, when you think about it.


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Boogey, your use of the ICBS intrigues me and I may have to steal it.

Boogeyman said...

It's an international standard, anyone can use it.

It is my gift to the world.

Perseus said...

What happened to Adrian Martin (Fairfax movie reviewer)? He was great.

It's an awful attempt at gonzo journalism, and even though it's not all his fault, this 'look at me, look at me, I'm in print!' journalism is all Hunter S Thompson's fault. Even though it isn't. You know.

The following is a Top 5 list of big-budget superhero movies that actually lived up the hype.


(Supermans and Spidermans 1^^ were okay, but the hype was bigger. Hellboy almost got on the list, but only cos the hype was low.)

^^ Compound plurals?

Perseus said...

to the hype...

Boogeyman said...

For you Perseus - How Superman should have ended.

Perseus said...

That's fantastic Boogey.

I like how they got the Christian Bale whisper thing right on Batman. Bale did that all through The Machinist and 3:10 To Yuma as well. Both good films, but Bale's monotone soft-talk irks me.

Boogeyman said...

"I'm Batman. I wear stuff on my belt. It's what I do."

homesick said...

Seeing as we don't have a working cinema on island it is difficult for me to offer a more plausable review of Our Heath's last film. I was for a time the arts & entertainment editor for the Whitsunday Times back in the day so I have had experience in the field of movie critique.

After reading Ms Stephenson's thoughts I can only reply with..

Fuck you you spoilt wench. If a journalist starts to quote a parent who'd make their 8year old sit thought an inappropriate movie then it is time for said 'journalist' to go back to the media sales department. And as for nightmares.. try watching "Funny Games" Ali.

That is all.

By the way, I'm off to the UK next week so how exciting will it be to see a new release on the big screen and not via a pirated DVD.

You lot don't know how lucky you are.

Boogeyman said...

Homesick, if you'd been shipwrecked with the Professor, he could whip up a cinema for you out of coconut shells and old sails from the SS Minnow.

Perseus said...

It bugged me that the Professor could build complex irrigation systems, heating systems, high-powered telecommunication modules and a working technical theatre but he couldn't fix the fucking boat.

But it didn't bug me as much as the fact that the exterior shot of the Cunningham house did not marry with the interior shots of Fonzie's room. It was an architectual travesty.

Boogeyman said...

Perseus, back home he was just another nerdy professor with patches on his elbows and no social life.

On the island, he was trapped with two single young women, with only a klutzy first mate, an overweight skipper and an old millionaire for competition.

Quite simply, he could fix the boat, he just didn't want to.

Oh, and Fonzy's room was like a Tardis - bigger on the inside than the outside.

squib said...

When I was a wee bairn my dad took me to a double feature. It was a Disney animated thing, it might have been Peter Pan AND Blade Runner and as a result I am still having therapy

But proving that the sins of the father shall be visited upon their moppets, I took my then 13 year old daughter and her friend to see the sci fi film 'Sunshine' and they were so scared they made me leave the cinema and miss the ending

Boogeyman said...

My parents took me to see S.O.B. at the drive-in when I was 9. Now that was traumatising.

Louche said...

My neighbours showed me Nightmare on Elm St when I was nine. I think I was scared of the dark for the next five years

Here is my review of Hi 5: Summer Rainbows

The SeaWorld dolphins can sing better than all of them. I wish they'd take their spirit fingers and shove them up their jacksies.

That is all.

Boogeyman said...

Hi-5 went downhill when the delectable Charli departed.

wari lasi said...

I like bright and happy kids' movies

Me too. I'm a happy ending kind of guy. I see movies to be entertained and fooled into thinking the world really is a beautiful place. Not to have the shit frightened out of me or to be so depressed I need therapy.

I needed grief counselling after A Bridge to Terabithea.

WitchOne said...

You should try waking up to Jaws at his killingest best in a motel room at the age of 7, or seeing Mad Max at the drive in at the age of about 5.

It's no wonder I kill people on my days off.

On the other hand, it begs the question, was babysitting not allowed back then?

shitbmxrider said...

I love a good happy ending

Fad MD said...

I love a good happy ending

That's an extra 200 pesos here.