Tuesday, July 15, 2008

What's cookin', average lookin'.


As a leading figure in the blogging community*, I often receive emails from people anxious for my words of wisdom**.

“Ramon”, they say “how can we lead a good life? How do I get girls to like me? What’s the secret to the perfect roast chicken?”

To which I reply – vote Labor, good luck with that and good quality stuffing***.

I prefer to make my own stuffing and in the interest of boosting meat consumption I offer this recipe which will make even the toughest bird a feast for mind and stomach.

You will need;
One cup of chopped parsley,
Two cups of breadcrumbs,
A teaspoon of mixed herbs (I like to use sage and thyme)
Salt and pepper,
30 grams of melted butter,
One beaten egg,
One chopped onion and
One bottle of Coopers Sparking Ale.

Mix everything except the Coopers in a bowl and spoon it into the chicken (it helps if the chicken is dead). This will make enough stuffing for several chickens, so I like to put the remainder into a clean plastic bag and pop it into the freezer, where it will keep quite nicely.

Pour the Coopers into a glass and drink.

Some people like to put additional salt, pepper, butter and thyme onto the chook before popping it into a moderate to hot oven.

Part cook the potatoes before putting them into the roasting pan with the chicken and cover with a good quality olive oil.

There you have it. Roast chicken and potatoes, done to a turn..

* This is a lie.
** This is also a lie.
*** Some people might say this is also the answer to question two but I have no time for that sort of smut. Good day, sir.


Shit, I forgot. You also need to add the grated zest of one lemon.

The lemon is important.

It adds an extra level of yumminess.


Anonymous said...

It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, Ramon.

BTW, expect a visit from naked Pammy and the PETA chicks for this non-vegetarian yet tantalisingly mouth-watering blog post.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The PETA people can bite my shiney metal arse, Boogey.

wari lasi said...

I reckon there's so many people selling really good quality cooked chickens that I can't be arsed cooking one myself. And they don't seem to be much more expensive than an uncooked one.

Anonymous said...

Ramon, as long as there's no meat in it I'm sure they'd oblige.

And you've got to hand it to PETA activists - they may be overbearing nutjobs, but they do like to get naked for just about any old cause.

Fur Trade - sure, let me just strip off my clothes.
Battery Hens - well of course, but let's get naked first.
Experimenting on Badgers - ok, but why are we still wearing clothes?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Wari, I've never found a shop bought cook as tasty as the ones you cook at home.

I've noticed that about PETA as well Boogey. They really need to get a new PR stunt.

Anonymous said...

On the contrary, I think other causists could take a leaf out of their book.

Socialist Alliance protesting against western imperialism - remove those black clothes and berets produced by opressed workers in sweatshops.

Labour Unions protesting against wage cuts and working conditions - march wearing nothing but your fluoro vest, comrades.

Office workers lobbying for a new cappucino machine in the kitchenette - come to work in your birthday suit to get your message across.

See, it works for everything.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

My own preference is to see every single member of Socialist Alliance engulfed in flames.

I'm an idealist like that.

Perseus said...

A stupid post, leaving me with more questions than answers.

I looked forward with excitement to your answer on how to pick up women and all I got was 'good luck with that'. Is that all you have? And is a chicken truly stuffed if there's no girl to eat it? And do you use fresh or dried thyme? I NEED MORE INFORMATION!

(I haven't slept much. Watched tour de france 'til the end. I have this to say: They must be on drugs because I couldn't even fucking walk up those hills.)

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I always use fresh herbs from my own garden Perseus.

As for getting girls to like you, pretending to be somebody you're not usually works in the short term.

wari lasi said...

A stroke of genius boogey. I want to see legislation passed that only allows protests, in fact any type of public gathering, sans clothing.

And Ramon, a roasted chicken is not exactly a major feat of culinary expertise. My famous* beef jerky on the other hand....

* In my mind only.

Anonymous said...

Pfft, beef jerky. What's so hard about salting up a leather belt and eating it while hiking?

Ramon, you haven't answered one very important question: Does GST apply to your roast chook?

Puss In Boots said...

Pfft Wari! Yes it is! A roast chicken is not as easy as everyone makes it out to be. You have to be able to keep it moist while ensuring the middle cooks all the way through. Achieving a brown, crispy skin is also a challenge, and since the meat will take up the flavour of the stuffing or herbs you're adding to it, you have to get that right too, or the meat will taste awful.

I use thyme and sage for my chicken, too. I also separate the skin from the meat and shove some seasoned butter underneath the skin to help keep it moist and to assist in getting the skin just right.

I find the store bought ones to be too greasy and the skin is never nice. Plus, they're usually dry from being cooked for too long.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Quite so, Puss.

Perseus said...

Socialist Alliance girls are too hairy.


Pretend to be someone I'm not? Worth a try. "I'm Perseus. I look like Johnny Depp."

Anonymous said...

Gee you're picky, Perseus. Geek girls too geeky. Socialist girls too hairy. Groupy girls don't understand the need for an early bedtime. No wonder you have difficulties picking-up.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Perseus, why not use my recipe and pretend you're a dab hand in the kitchen.

Perseus said...

Oh, I'm a dab hand in the kitchen, though I do struggle with roasts at times. My seafood dishes are most excellent as are my pastas and my Chinese cooking (thanks to a Chinese ex). One problem is, "Come around to my place for dinner... oh, only 200kms from your joint. Bring a suitcase."

Another problem is I don't like going out.

Oh, and there's my pick-up line issue: "Hi, does your womb work?"

Does anyone here have a sister?

wari lasi said...

Pfft me indeed. I have a book with 100 jerky recipes in it. The marinade is a complex issue. What to put in it for a start, then how long at room temperature (30 degrees here), how long in the fridge. What type of beef, how to slice it. Then do we do it in the oven or the food dehydrator or a combination of both.

And Puss, you recently converted Vegan you, how about trying some REAL meat, like beef, or god forbid, pig. Yummy, yummy.

Perseus said...

Boogeys right. Jerky = Salted Leather Belt.

I do love a dry hot chewy kabana but.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Does anyone here have a sister?

I do Perseus.

And she's single.

How do you feel about redheads?

wari lasi said...

You've never had a good jerky then.

But I really just like food in general. The point I'm making about jerky is that it's much more work than cooking a chicken.

Puss In Boots said...

And Puss, you recently converted Vegan you, how about trying some REAL meat, like beef, or god forbid, pig. Yummy, yummy.

Recently converted? It was about 6 years ago now. And I do eat REAL meat - beef, rabbit, lamb, venison, seafoods, quail, etc. I've even tried kangaroo, crocodile, emu, and some other odd ones. Just not pigs. Pigs are gross. Or offal. That stuff is not meant to be eaten.

Perseus said...

"How do you feel about redheads?"

If she's single and female, she could be a magentahead for all I care.

How does she feel about cigarette-smoking sea-changing scrawny rock pigs?

Perseus said...

PS: Is Julia Gillard your sister?

Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

PS: Is Julia Gillard your sister?

Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.


She's not that fond of smokers, either.

wari lasi said...

Easy easy with the Julia references. Be still my beating heart.

Puss, I didn't know it was 6 years. But you're wrong about pigs, they're great. And offal. Lambs fry? Steak and kidney? Yumm. But I admit you probably needed to be fed offal as a kid to like it. My grandmother made the best lambs fry and bacon ever.

And Daikoku (Jap restaurant) here do really nice crocodile (puk puk) with ginger.

God I'm hungry now.

Perseus said...

But I can change.

Wait on. She's not Irish redhead is she? I've had troubles with the Irish. They're all mad. My Scot/Welsh/Jew mix of blood seems to bring out the worst in them.

Puss In Boots said...

But I admit you probably needed to be fed offal as a kid to like it.

I was fed offal as a kid. That's why I hate it. It's disgusting and it's just not meant to be eaten, unless you're desperate and starving and there is nothing else around you but dirt. I don't care how it's cooked, it's all foul. I suppose my parents used to buy it because they couldn't afford much else, but I'd rather eat no meat at all than offal. Actually, the poor quality of meat we were fed as kids is what led me to become vegan, and now I only buy the good stuff, because the cheap stuff gives me bad memories. I splashed out on $60/kg Black Angus eye fillets on the weekend - so tender I could have cut it with a spoon!

wari lasi said...

I think your aversion relates more to the socio economic circumstance at the time. I can't see the difference between eating something's leg or it's kidney or liver. It's different but the same. I don't like tripe much and brains are a bit too rich. Also the whole CJD (which was first discovered here) thing is a bit scary. I'll try almost anything, except bugs. I ate a witchetty (spelling?) grub once, now that was truly disgusting.

Perseus said...

"I can't see the difference between eating something's leg or it's kidney or liver. It's different but the same"

Ethically I agree, but culinariallyallyiny I disagree. Organ meat tastes very different. I'm sure it's an acquired taste, but I've never acquired it meself. Can't even stand the smell of it.

WitchOne said...

mmm Rabbit is good, if done right. Emu is meh, as is croc.

Kidney, calves liver, chicken liver, lambs fry, oh yum!

Ox tail. Yum.

Roast chook. For a perfect roast chook, stuff a lemon in the cavity, fill the rest with peeled garlic. Place peeled garlic and LOADS of butter under the breast skin pp some into the cavity, just for laughs.

Coat chook in some butter.


French Roast chook (this has been alleged by my cookbook only).

Roast some desiree spuds til crispy with some pumpkin, onion, garlic, parsnip and carrot.

Anonymous said...

I can see the phone conversation now.

Ramon: Hey, guess what sis, I set you up on a date with some guy I met on the internet. He's nearly 40 and still plays in a band, lives 200km from civilisation, smokes heavily, likes to review the bible in his spare time, and doesn't like geeks, hairy socialists or Irish redheads.


Sis? Speak to me sis...

Perseus said...

I might join RSVP and use that as my profile.

Perseus said...

You jest, but it happened once in real life. A mate promised to set me up on a date with Tina Arena's younger sister. He said to her, "I have this friend, he's your age, has a good job, sociable, presentable and all. He's no good around the house though. Can't use power tools. Oh, and he chain smokes and talks about politics too much, and watches footy all weekend. And he's a stupid goth who refuses to act his age. Actually, forget I mentioned him."

That was the end of the set up.

wari lasi said...

Perseus, are you actively avoiding women? Your approach seems designed to fail.

And witchone, let's form the offal eater's society.

Mind you I once took a girl here to breakfast at the yacht club, which did a great lambs fry at the time. Well to the unitiated they looked like little steaks, what with all the sauce and stuff. She took some and I watched her slice it and she could see the texture looked different, but it was priceless when she put it in her mouth. Abject horror was the look on her face as she deposited it in the napkin and disappeared off to the loo. I laughed and laughed. I didn't see much of her after that.

wari lasi said...


It looked a bit short at the time, but you know what I meant.

Off topic. I just read on Grods about the Pope's text message. Oh My God. Over to you Ramon, or anyone who can post.

catlick said...

For a special occasion, say, Sunday lunch after Mass, when chook is required and the diners are plenty, I partially bone the chook, (don't tear the skin) removing breastbone and backbone. To reconstruct the chook one packs in 3 or 4 breast fillets. (and a lemon wedge) Hey presto, chook for 10, no 'dark meat/white meat' sooking, and the breasts don't dry out. For a regular meal, one can add chicken mince to the stuffing to extend the goodness.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

She's not Irish redhead is she?


Very much so.

Perseus said...

UR goin 2 Hell sinnrz?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

For a perfect roast chook, stuff a lemon in the cavity

Yes, but what do you do to the chook?

I crack myself up.

wari lasi said...

Close perseus.

Here is the actual message: (from a link to The Aged)

“Young friend, God and his people expect much from u because u have within you the Fathers (sic) supreme gift: the Spirit of Jesus - BXVI.”

I believe the "Editor" of Grods response is the most apt.


I mean, for fuck's sake, this text speak crap has gone way too far now. I've always hated it, BTW.

And Ramon, you're on fire dude.

homesick said...

This must be the most successful post ever on TSFKA. So much for politics and religion.. just get Ramon to cough up his roast chook recipe and we all respond with gusto. Spouse has been whinging for quite some time now that we never have stuffing with our roasts so the fact that I have one now and its from a communist make it all the more palatable to my 'Hammer & sickle' hubby.

Perseus, I mean really mate your coastal love shack should be flooded with women. May I offer some marketing tips. Lets look at what you havw to offer exactly.

1. Leather pants are warrented due to your profession/hobby of music.

2.You are fast approaching 40, so maturity and good conversation and sexual experience are all added benefits.

3.You live some 200 km's from the heart of Melbourne so it has to be a weekend getaway (short break with added extras)away from the prying eyes of friends and family.

Put this in the computer and I have come up with the perfect woman.... the married women of Toorak/Sth Yarra.

They are financially independant(well, hubbys money), they have the kids so the womb is working, are very possbly starved of great animal sex and on the whole would be pretty bored with their lives.

You would be like their bit of (intelligent) rough They won't give you any of the "marry me " pressure as they have more to lose that you do... they'll want just sex.

No, no Perseus don't thank me. I'm happy to help when I can

Perseus said...

A. I agree, there should be more cooking tips on TSFKA.

B. That's the worst relationship advice I've ever got.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

So, a post combining cooking tips, politics and religion would be unstoppable.


I must give this some thought.

homesick said...

So, a post combining cooking tips, politics and religion would be unstoppable.

and relationship advice for Mr I'm not compromising my dignity to be some rich womans bitch for sex Perseus over there.

At least I tried.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Perseus is a hopeless case, homesick.

I've given up on him.

Anonymous said...

Perseus is a disgrace to the rock and/or roll profession.

He should hang up his guitar and become an accountant.

Perseus said...

Fuck yers all. I'm in a band, I have a job and have no diseases. Getting sex is not a problem. It's getting a girlfriend that's impossible.


Politics, religion, cooking and AFL all in the one post and I will revere you as a God, Ramon.

homesick said...

Sooooo getting them to stay around longer than breakfast the next morning is the hurdle here Perseus.

Cook them Ramon's roast chicken. They'll be screaming "I want you meet my oldies" before dessert.

Perseus said...

That's right Homesick, but nothing works, even cooking, because the line is: "I really like you but I ain't moving down to this hick town cos I have a career in Melbourne so if you ever move back, call me."

Which is why I'm going to cut holes in my condoms and start chasing Catholic girls.

Trinity is not my name said...

nobody mentioned sliding prosciutto under the skin of the chicken - chicken and bacon - 'sperfect.

patchouligirl said...

I dont think I could resist putting some garlic in that stuffing. And you could go crazy and baste the chook in white wine and use it as a base for the gravy.