Thursday, July 3, 2008

The joys of parenting

The scene: Lenin House, this morning.

Admid the hustle and bustle of trying of getting dressed, breakfast, trying to locate the cat so we can put her outside I hear a small voice coming from the toilet.

"Daaaad. Daddy".

Go in, to discover a series of ominous brown strains near the toilet roll holder.

"Please tell me that's chocolate, Boy."

"No. It's poo."

Oh well.

Is eight o'clock in the morning too early to start drinking?

25 comments:

Puss In Boots said...

Kudos to you. I don't think I could deal with someone else's poo at 3 in the afternoon, let alone 8 in the morning.

Boogeyman said...

Cat: Hey kid, despotic master's after me to kick me out in the cold and snow again. I need a distraction.
Boy: Poo poo on hands?
Cat: Poo poo all over the walls, kiddo, all over the walls. Now get started.
Boy: Yayyyy!!!
Cat: Love yer work, kid, yer a regular Picasso in brown. I'm outta here.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Puss, it's amazing what you can get used to.

Boogey, I knew those two were in cahoots. Didn't work though, I still kicked the cat out.

Desci said...

I just did my monthly pregnancy test.

Again.

FUCK. HAVING. KIDS.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Desci, I'm sensing some reluctance on your part to becoming a mum.

Fad MD said...

About 12 months ago we were having a problem with little Miss Fad in getting her toilet trained. She was recognizing the poo signs but not doing anything until after it was in her nappy.

I was woken at 2am by a noise and then a funny smell. I opened my eyes to be confronted with a poo-filled nappy centimetres from my face. Bad enough, but unfortunately she'd taken off her nappy while she was still in bed and then had to scoot over to the edge of the bed. Not pretty.

Sweatergirl said...

Want to hear something worse than that? On the way home last night Finn projectile vomited all over the car. I spent the evening cleaning chunky vomit out of every nook and cranny in the car seat. This is not what I signed up for!

Boogeyman said...

They really don't design those child car seats with vomit in mind, otehrwise they'd make them easier to pull apart to clean.

Desci, nature will find a way to overcome your determined anti-pregnacy plan.

By suppressing your periods with the pill, does that mean you will still have plenty of eggs well into your sixties?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I could top that, SG, but it is a tale of such unmitigated horror that it would send Desci screaming from the room.

Fad MD said...

There was another good one where she managed to get poo all over the floor, but as that was during daytime hours our unfortunate maid copped that one.

ijest247 said...

The "Look daddy, I took my full nappy off, can I have a hug?" story is great.

I walked in on Little Ms Star in her cot after an afternoon sleep. And then the horror. She was reaching down into her nappy, dragging out the good stuff and eating it.

Rang the Shazzas at Child Health Line.
Me: G'day, my 1 year daughter has been eating her own poo.
Shazza: Uh huh, how much?
Me: maybe a few . .I dunno . . a few tablespoons.
Shazza: oh okay, she'll be fine.
Me: Fine?
Shazza: yeah, a few tablespoons is fine
Me: (hangs up and hoses down child)

Which begs the question - "what has Shazza heard that makes her think that two tablespoons of ingested poop is 'fine'?

@desci - hang around. I'm sure that this thread'll have some absolute horror stories in a few short hours

ijest247 said...

Then there was the time that our eldest came up and showed her foot to us me

Little Ms Rose: Dad, I've stepped on some avacado.

(Dad sees Little Ms Star walk past without nappy, trailing a smell like a dead thing)

Dad: That's NOT AVACADO!

Boogeyman said...

what has Shazza heard that makes her think that two tablespoons of ingested poop is 'fine'?

It's generally believed to be good for their immune system, by giving it something to develop against. See here for more info.

Kids that age eat just about anything. I used to find my kids' faeces full of sand after a day at childcare. And just once or twice, but every day. Clearly they weren't getting enough essential silicon in their diets at home.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Maybe I should stop reading this while I have my lunch.

patchouligirl said...

My 15 month old had pink/purple poo this week. It took us a while to figure it out, but we think he's been eating the privet berries. Poisons info line say it'll upset his tummy but he'll be okay.

Fad MD said...

Ah yes, the rainbow poos.

The industrial strength food colourings they have here (none of that namby-pamby safety testing) make the poos following birthday parties things of wonder.

Miss Fad ran out of the toilet crying after a particularly vibrant green one.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

A perfectly understandable reaction, Fad.

Desci said...

That's it, I love you guys, but I'm getting Skel's coat, dusting it off, and leaving this thread for good while I'm still just on the cusp of a panic attack.

And Boogey, I'm getting spayed when I'm 35, so whether I'll still be groaning with jelly* at 61 will be a bagatelle.

* Always leave a thread with an obscure Futurama quote.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You'll never get to be a mummy with that sort of attitude, Dess.

wari lasi said...

What a delightful thread. Amusing and disgusting at the same time.

The multi coloured stools reminded me of the eldest L child eating a load of plasticine once. His turd was literally a work of art. Why do they make it smell so nice? That's play dough I'm talking about by the way.

And the weather is fine back in Moresby too. Just so you know.

And Patchouligirl. I had a meeting with a client today who buy and export patchouli! Fuck it's expensive.

Boogeyman said...

And Boogey, I'm getting spayed when I'm 35

If you're never having kids, why are you waiting till 35? Or are you leaving your options open in case you change your mind?

Puss In Boots said...

Most doctors won't do a full hysterectomy on young women, Boogey. They think you're not thinking it through properly. I know. I've tried. I was told I had to wait until mid 30s as well.

Leilani said...

Surely "getting spayed" doesn't involve a full hysterectomy? Don't they just tie your tubes?

I'm not going to bore you with my endless supply of poo stories but the day I found one had been popped into a packet of Vita Brits was memorable.

Puss In Boots said...

You can still get pregnant if your tubes are just tied. Ask my mother.

WitchOne said...

Junior Witch is 2 and a half weeks old, her poo is still flouro yellow. And liquid. Those are not just farts we hear.