Monday, July 28, 2008

That's just what they want you to think!

The other day, while strolling through the city on my way to lunch, I came across two spittle-flecked nutters shouting for an inquiry into “the truth behind the 9/11 conspiracy”.

I was tempted to ask them the fairly obvious question of why would the Australian Government would conduct an inquiry into an event that happened in another country, but somehow I don’t think they would have appreciated my unique brand of gentle whimsy.

My take on the 9/11 conspiracy theories is probably best summarised by Charlie Brooker writing in the Guardian some weeks ago, particularly this passage

The glaring problem - and it's glaring in 6,000 watt neon, so vivid and intense you can see it from space with your eyes glued shut - is that with any 9/11 conspiracy theory you care to babble can be summed up in one word: paperwork.

Quite so.

My years working in the Ministry of Truth have taught me bureaucrats generate two things in vast, astonishing amounts; paperwork and meetings.

To organise something along the lines on the 9/11 attacks would require a small army of bureaucrats and yet not one conspiracy theorist has been able to produce a single email, briefing paper or agenda minutes from the “Sinister Committee to dominate the World”.

Historically, conspiracy theories tended to be more common on the right side of politics; with Catholics blaming Freemasons, socialists and the Jews while Protestants blaming Catholics, foreigners and the Jews.

Now of course the left are busily producing their own conspiracy theories, with the finger being pointed at George Bush, Neocons and…errr…the Jews.

Gee, those Jews must be busy as.

36 comments:

Perseus said...

Ah yes, I read that article last week on the advice of the Drinksoaked team. What was especially great about the article was the comments - all the nutters came out and one even accused Brooker of being part of the conspiracy.

Newstopia did one great sketch on the topic, which involved a Jihadist confronting a conspiracy theorist and saying, "We spent years orchestrating that attack and after all our hard work, you're saying Bush did it? Oh, so us Muslims are too dumb to fly planes? Is that what you're saying?"

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I love the Drinksoaked Trots.

Perseus said...

Yeah, but Will is becoming demented. He's annoying me. One line posts made up of 8 links, followed by a seemingly irrelevant one-liner. He could host 'Rove'.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Harry's Place is still good.

Boogeyman said...

I'd expect a post like this from a public servant with secrets to hide.

Also, fess up about the aliens living amongst us, and probably working in your department.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

the aliens living amongst us, and probably working in your department

That would explain why none of them can write a sentence in coherent English.

phyllis.stein said...

I saw an interesting documentary about a survivor of the Roswell crash that is living with a family in America. The CIA were definitely involved. The truth will always come out.

Boogeyman said...

Was that the one starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson?

Those two do good documentary.

phyllis.stein said...

No, I think it was called American Dad because they treat the' visitor' like one of the family.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The truth will always come out.

Well, that's me out of a job then.

phyllis.stein said...

It reminded of that old show, with Estelle Getty where she played an alien living with 2 sisters and a cross dresser. I love those old shows. They were good.

catlick said...

Is it a flaw in the scientific principle, that 'disproof' trumps 'proof'? The interconspiritorialwebalogs are full of loopy loonies who asymmetrically challenge the world via their web cams to 'proove' they are wrong. How do I prove something didn't happen? Buggered if I know.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah, but catlick, the complete absence of any proof at all is in fact proof of how fiendishly clever the conspiracy was.

And do you blame the Freemasons, socialists or the Jews?

John said...

Or as maddox said:

"Now we're expected to believe that the same government that was able to commit the largest terrorist operation in history--with military precision no less--is suddenly too incompetent to sniff out and shut down a little website set up by some college losers within days, if not minutes of its creation? The US government has the capability to monitor every electronic communication made anywhere in the world, yet we're expected to believe that they wouldn't be able to nix this kid long before his video ever became popular?"

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Watching this video is like being bukakked with stupid.

Well said, sir.

squib said...

I have to get hold of a special edition of 'New Dawn' magazine for a close relative who can't get it in the country. It has crop circles or something on the front and I'm going to die of embarrassment when I have to put it on the counter

catlick said...

And do you blame the Freemasons, socialists or the Jews?

And what makes you so sure it wasn't the IRA? Not sayin' we did it, sure, but we could'a'.

squib said...

Yeah and what about the Pope? We all know he sunk the Titanic

catlick said...

I'm going to die of embarrassment when I have to put it on the counter
Squib, newsagents have trained professionals to handle the embarrassing purchases that cross their counters. Some of their graduates go on to work in Adult retail outlets.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I have to get hold of a special edition of 'New Dawn' magazine for a close relative

A "close relative", eh.

Yeah, suuure squib.

Perseus said...

Bill Bryson in his most interesting book 'Shakespeare' points out that there are about 20 documents that link Shakespeare to his plays (eg: An entry in a Dutch nobleman's diary from 1602 or something, saying, "I attended a new play in London called 'Romeo & Juliet' by the playwright William Shakespeare").

He points out that what the conspiracy theorists lack is any document linking any other writer to the plays. And yet they still claim he didn't write them, based mainly on the 'evidence' that "he didn't go to a good school".

phyllis.stein said...

So there's proof that Bill Bryson wrote the plays.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

This may prove interesting.

So there's proof that Bill Bryson wrote the plays.

Rubbish. Everybody knows it was the Pope.

Perseus said...

Fucking pedant, Phyllis. And anyway, your pedantry backfired because my lack of sound syntax would infer that there's evidence Shakespeare wrote Bill Bryson's plays, not the other way around. So shove it up your clacker, cumrag.

phyllis.stein said...

I'm not sure we need clarification from a man [sic] who can't assemble a paragraph or a chainsaw.

Perseus said...

Hah! Chainsaw is working. Admittedly, I needed help from an engineer (Ryobi's fault, not mine), but now I'm choppin' wood, then I'm sawin' the wood and then I'm droppin' my 'g's agin the woodstack.

I'm mannin' the fuck up!

It doesn't help my syntax but.

Carol said...

Perseus, you are such a big girl, everyone knows you don't saw with a chainsaw, they're just fucking with you by calling it a chainsaw. It's actually an automated sawing machine utilising a small motor to run a chain really fast around a bar. The sawing motion is caused by friction when laying the chain on the wood whilst the motor is running.

If you were physically sawing the wood, well, let's just say you'd be hot, and sweaty, and desperately in need of a shower.

Boogeyman said...

Only in remote coastal Victoria could you find a chain smoking goth sawing wood at dusk while cussing the collected works of Walt Whitman.


then I'm droppin' my 'g's agin the woodstack.

There's laws against that, you prevert.

phyllis.stein said...

Perseus, is it true? You have an automated sewing machine?

Perseus said...

Oh it's true. It's true!

*sobs*

But in defence of my masculinity, I don't have gas or (working)electric heating in my house. Wood is my only source of heat. So while you blouses are coming home and turning buttons on, I'm chopping wood with an axe. And then sawing it in half with a glorified sewing machine so it fits into my potbelly.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I don't have gas or (working)electric heating in my house

So, how are things in the late 1840s, Perseus?

phyllis.stein said...

I'm thinking Perseus lives in a McCubbin painting.

Boogeyman said...

Now I get the seachange. Perseus is actually participating in ABC's Outback House.

ps. PQ, in the 21st century, you can buy what's called 'pre-chopped wood'. That's where you pay a real man to feed trees into a giant fuckoff machine that shows them hippy redwoods the meaning of a real day's work. They deliver it in a real big truck, the kind that can only be driven by a man with tattoos and wearing king gees in winter.

catlick said...

Perseus is in danger of being a living anachronism.
However, I have concerns for a musician moving from his "axe" to a chainsaw. The chain sharpening costs alone will keep you poor.
Have you considered hiring a wood splitter? (petrol driven, hydraulic, very safe: look mum, all my fingers) or perhaps an old fashioned kerosene heater.

Mr E Discharge said...

While I applaud your attempts to "butch up the act", I'm a little concerned that the advice you've been getting might not be up to snuff.

Put simply, Ryobi = GAY.

You might as well be wearing a chiffon evening frock. Get yourself a real man's chainsaw. None of this two stroke nonsense, a four stroke. I'd go for a Stihl 880 Magnum with the 63cm bar. You need a really long bar, the longer the better.

And a ute.Get yourself a ute. Chicks dig utes.

Perseus said...

I do get my snowgum delivered by the cubic metre, and that wood gets split by my axe and goes on the loungeroom open fire. But the potbelly (in the kitchen) has a small door, hence the need to then saw the wood cross-ways, ergo, Ryobi chainsaw.

I have no need for 4-stroke penis enhancement.

As for the ute, I live on the coast, not in the bush, so I have the compulsory Subaru.

I did indeed briefly chop wood in a 3 piece suit last week, but I was cussing Edna St. Vincent Millay, not Walt Whitman.