The Date From Hell

Dating blogs are a dime a dozen and are mostly if not wholly pedestrian at best. But I think I have enough angle on this yarn to warrant a post.

(All pseudonyms, obviously)

There’s this chick called Spinach who we met at band gigs – she was one of our most dedicated fans. Over the years we became quite friendly with her, so much so that these days she’s considered a ‘fifth Beatle’ of the band. She organises our myspaz site, does our merchandising, is our photographer and so on. She’s the nearest thing we have to a manager. Through Spinach we met her little brother Biff, who is now actually in our band. Then, being that our manager and a band member are of the same family, we got to know their extended family quite well, including their parents and their rather beautiful older sister Artemis, who is 25 years old.

When I first met Artemis more than a year ago I was smitten, but she had a boyfriend so, you know, whatever. That, and I’m too old for her anyway, but I can always fantasise. When she became single, the most handsome member of my band, Scrapper, made a move on her but failed and I thought at the time, “Well if Scrapper can’t pick her up, I’ve definitely got no hope.” She got a new boyfriend anyway. Girls like her don;t have to wait long.

But about three months ago she became single again and I spoke to Spinach and I said, “I’m thinking of asking your older sister Artemis out. What’s your advice?” and she said, “Absolutely not, no way, you have no chance.”

I let it go.

But then two days ago I came into possession of a spare ticket to The Breeders concert. I thought, “Right, I’m going to put this ‘man the fuck’ up business into action. I’m 14 years older than her, she’s stunningly beautiful, her little sister said I had no chance but I’m going to be a man and ask her anyway.”

The phone conversation went like this (edited, but facts true):

Me: “What are you doing tomorrow night?”
Artemis: “Going to a MIFF film with a friend.”
Me: “Oh, I was going to ask you on a date to The Breeders concert.”
Artemis: “I’ve never heard of them.”
Me: “90’s rock band, spinoff of Pixies. They’re good, but oh well.”
Artemis: “I’m so flattered you asked though so I’m going to say yes. What I’ll do is, go out for dinner with my friend anyway, and then go to the concert with you. Wow, I’m really flattered.”
Me: “Are you kidding? I’m more flattered that you said yes!”

I was ecstatic. Oh I had manned the fuck up alright. Straight after, I chopped wood, ate my steak rare and then looked for broken down cars to fix.

Last night, I met up with Artemis at the pub where she was having dinner with the friend that she had dumped. The friend was nice, and laughed saying, “Oh, so you’re the guy she’s dumped me for.”

Then they said, “We were talking, and we’re thinking that if it’s okay with you, we’d like to come down and stay at your seaside cottage for a weekend at the end of the month. Care for some visitors?”

“Sure!” I said, now totally pumped because not only did I get the date, she had now booked in a weekend visit to my house!

“I have a good feeling about this,” I thought, and I was as happy as I’ve been in ages.

But ten minutes later, this happened (unedited):

Artemis: “Oh by the way, when we come down, we’re both vegetarians, is that okay?”
Me: “Of course. I used to be a vegetarian myself so I’m all cool with vegetarian cuisine. Vegans are harder to deal with.”
Artemis: “Oh I know, Josh is a vegan and it’s really difficult at times.”
Me: “Who’s Josh?”
Artemis: “My boyfriend.”
Me: “..............”
Artemis: “Yeah, he’s only been vegan for a short while. He’s seeing how it goes.”
Me: “.............”
Artemis: “I hope he gives up, personally. How can anyone live without cheese?”
Me: “..............”
Artemis: “Are you okay Perseus? You look suddenly pale.”
Me: “................”
Artemis: “Perseus?”
Me: “................”
Artemis: “Perseus?
Me: “..................”
Artemis: “Perseus?”
Me: “..................”