Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Heaven's Got A Place For Country Trash

I went into the big smoke yesterday. Gee, them skyscrapers are mighty big.

My day:

1. Visited a (business) supplier. I said, “You have given my company a credit limit of $2,000. That’s all well and good, except that our average order is $5,000, and therefore, the so-called ‘credit’ is meaningless. We’ve been giving you work and money for three years now, we’re fully up to day with our payments, and I demand that you stop this stupid ‘COD’ rubbish keeping in mind that … Umm, why are you crying?”

“Sorry, one of our staff members suicided, we’re all a bit shattered right now… now, what were you saying about credit?”

“Umm, it doesn’t matter. Sorry.”

2. Went to Nam Loong, one of those off-Chinatown joints that’s cheap, loud, crass, you have to share tables and the wait staff are rude as. For $8 I got the best meal I’ve had in months. In the stupid yuppy seaside tourist town I live, service comes with a smile but $8 won’t even get you an entrée. You don’t realise how lucky you are in cities for having access to such great cooking. The country may provide the produce, but the city provides the meals.

3. For the first time in my life I saw a movie, at a cinema, by myself. I always thought I’d feel like a total loser if I went into a cinema by myself. When other people tell me they’ve been to a cinema by themselves I think they’re cool, but I just never had the courage to do it. Now I’ve done it and my life has changed. It’s fantastic. You can sit where you want, fidget, nobody talks to you… I’m never seeing a film with a friend again. The movie I saw was ‘In Bruges’. Film Review: One big ‘meh’.

4. Caught up win an ex (from 9 years ago) who, for the last 9 years I’ve secretly wished I was still with (even though I ended it at the time, because I was a shallow idiot). We’re still very close friends. She announced her engagement. She has asked me to be ‘MC’ at her wedding. “I’m honoured,” I said, and my task between now and then is to work out how I can MC their wedding without bursting into tears.

5. In the evening, my band went into the studio to do a night of backing vocals for songs we’ve recorded in the past few months. Highlight: Writing in big texta words on a piece of paper, “Oh-law-dee-oh-day-oh-dee-oh” and then taking twenty takes to get it right. There were problems because nobody remembered to bring any cannabis. I don’t smoke pot so I didn’t care (potheads = boring meatheads) but the rest of the band struggled through the process.

6. Hamburger from Embassy Café on Spencer Street at 12.15am. There are no better hamburgers in the world than from this 24hr taxi-driver café. A better hamburger you say? BULL FUCKING SHIT!

7. Grocery shopping at Geelong at 1.15am. Who shops for groceries in working-class country towns at that time? The drugged, the drunk, the insane, the ill-adjusted and the desperately lonely. You want a snapshot of the rubble of Western Society? Shop for groceries in the middle of the night in a country town. Lock the car.

8. Came home at about 3am. Logged on to find Ramon has insulted my friend. I made a lame defense. Fed angry cat and went straight to bed.

9. Couldn't sleep.

97 comments:

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

For $8 I got the best meal I’ve had in months.

Was it Phar soup?

That stuff fuckin' rocks.

squib said...

I don't know, this ex sounds to me like she asked you to MC cos she knew it would hurt?

Noodles?

Perseus said...

Yep, Hokkien Fried Noodles.

And no Squib, it's not that. We are very good friends, and her fiancee is a top bloke and we all get along famously.

squib said...

Ah yes but those wedding movies always start like that, don't they, everyone getting along just fine, but then the bride elopes with her 'true love' and the groom falls into the wedding cake

Caroline said...

Do it for the free wedding grog, Perseus. Not only can you drown your sorrows, but and you can also dub yourself "MC Hammered". Thank you, I'll be here all day. Don't forget to try the chicken or the beef.

shitbmxrider said...

are you going to MC, and have an emotional breakdown, 'The Wedding Singer' style?

Perseus said...

'MC Hammered'.

Well, there's my opening gag on the wedding night. If I don't get a laugh, I'm blaming you.

Jamie said...

A better burger, you say? Embassy burgers are mighty tasty but it's Andrew's in Albert Park for mine.

As for the wedding, Perseus, keep that upper lip stiff and not quivering. Best of luck.

Also, ever eaten at the Supper Inn? Oh yeah...

Loose Shunter said...

Perseus, something special for you on those cold, lonely where's there only you and roar of the endless sea...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

LS!

Where you been comrade?

Caroline said...

Rumour has it that LS has been busy dressing up a Steve Irwin.

I tell no lies.

Loose Shunter said...

Caroline and Ramon,

I only wish I could deny that rumour. I was seen in West Heidelberg on Saturday night attired as Steve Irwin (sans stingray) and later at a Kebab shop in Coburg.

Otherwise, I have been extremely busy trying to minimise my work/life imbalance and try to renovate the house (coming up this weekend, watch as LS tries to write an essay for 'Managing Global City Regions' while taking up the carpets and revealing the floorboards...).

catlick said...

Oh I double dare them to double Hillary in a similar role. Must dash, got some 'research' to do.

Caroline said...

The bogans in West Heidelberg must have been rejoicing in the streets that their king had been resurrected and returned to them.

Perseus said...

LS: If only I saw that film yesterday, by myself in a darkened cinema. Fake Palin boobs are more engaging than watching Colin Farrell's eyebrows dancing about for 2 hours. Man, you could farm those eyebrows.

Loose Shunter said...

Caroline,

The only problem was that there were two Steve Irwins, thus leading the bogans of West Heidelberg to fall out among themselves as to who was their true king. But it was hard to tell among the motley collection of Janis Joplins, Kurt Cobains and the like. But a surprise attendance at the party was Rob (recently deceased) Guest. Fancy dress hire shops must be rueing the day they didn't buy the second Phantom of the Opera costume...

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Gee, Catlick's "research" session is certainly taking some time.

I hope she hasn't done herself a mischief.

Perseus said...

Ah, Jamie, yes. Someone else has told me of that hamburger joint so I'll have to give it a shot one day.

Maybe the Embassy could be known as the 'Greatest Burger On Earth Still Open At 3am'.

shitbmxrider said...

My vote for a damn good burger is BBNT's on king street...always good at 4am :D

Perseus said...

That may be so BMX, but being at King Street at 4am infers fighting off random weapon-weilding ice-addled bogan maniacs.

patchouligirl said...

Not being a chick you may not have seen 'my best friends wedding' Perseus but this is basically a role reversal of the story. You will need to drum up a lesbian friend to take as a date (if you want to follow the script), scheme to break up the happy couple and then when you've almost succeeded, decide the groom is a really good bloke, they really belong together and try to undo the damage while reflecting on your evil ways. Good luck finding a lesbian as funny as Rupert Everett and getting the men to go to karaoke on the bucks night.

catlick said...

"You rang?"

Perseus said...

Yes, Catlick is as funny as Rupert Everitt.

But if I suggested karaoke at the buck's night I'd get my head smashed in. More to the point, I am the master at getting out of going to bucks' nights. Going out and getting drunk with only men? What's the point?

catlick said...

Careful Perseus. You risk being called "UnAustralian".

christian said...

Hey, do we have have both James and Caroline back? Woo-hoo!

Caroline said...

Christian, you treacherous rattle snake, I have been on and off here for months.

shitbmxrider said...

Pers: Don't you know anything? That be prime turkey-slapping time!

(Forgive me, ive been listening to old episodes of Get This from 2006)

patchouligirl said...

1. I've worked with a quite a few lesbians (admittedly in tough blue collar working conditions) and they were all no nonsense good workers but god they were serious. I'm glad to hear some of them have a sense of humor coz I've never met one personally and was starting to think it must be a bit of a grim existence.
2. Perseus if this chick was 'the one' you wouldn't have messed up so dont think too hard on it.
3. Totally with you on country food, I'm living in the land of the perennial fucking chicken schnitzel up here where - lest we forget - they think its okay to put parmesan on a thai beef salad. What I'd give for a local takeaway that did a good pho for $8.
4. I bet the suppliers staff always burst into tears and say someone just died as a standard resonse to a request for credit. Thats a good one, I'll remember to use it.

catlick said...

" I've worked with a quite a few lesbians (admittedly in tough blue collar working conditions) and they were all no nonsense good workers but god they were serious. "

It's hard work being a lesbian. You have to raise and maintain a GSOH, (no idea what this is, but it's mentioned on all the sites) and tend to all the 'isms'. Seriously, though, for some the self conscious journey through life as a 'lesbian' seems exhausting. I've worked with quite a few straight people, and they don't seem to be as burdened with their sexuality. Yes, yes, we know all the theory around this, but FFS, the earnestness, the effort, the defensiveness, the aggressiveness. Lighten UP!

" I bet the suppliers staff always burst into tears and say someone just died as a standard resonse to a request for credit. Thats a good one, I'll remember to use it."

My thought exactly.

Melba said...

GSOH = good sense of humour.

Perseus said...

I once toyed with the idea of going on RSVP, so I had a rummage through all the profiles. Every singe person, male, female, gay, straight, bi, old, young, reckoned they had GSOH and listed 'The Shawshank Redemption' in their favourite films. It was like RSVP automatically put those two things on your profile when you signed up. 'Walking along the beach' was covered by about 80%.

I refuse to join RSVP until RSVP management install a compulsory spell-checker.

catlick said...

English as we knew it died in the forums. How ironic!

Melba said...

If you studiously avoid the GSOH references and the "walking along the beach" references you just might find a gem, Perseus. I know people who have.

Jump in.

Perseus said...

"39 year old lapsed goth lives in the middle of nowhere, prefers staying home every night and reading books and drinking cups of tea, and once every 6 weeks or so plays in a punk band and takes lots of drugs. GSOH. Has own chainsaw. Bring womb."

Caroline said...

You know pers I'm sure there would be someone out there who would respond to that. Especially someone who hears their biological clock tick tick ticking and isn't too picky. The womb reference is a nice, subtle shout out to them.

Perseus said...

The thing about RSVP is that a) I'm too picky, so when I see they are into starsigns (a LOT of them), or Justin Timberlake, or they can't spell, I lose interest. The list is greatly culled. Then b) The ones in their 30's all seem to be single mothers, or, if they're not, they insist that their ideal man lives in Melbourne and doesn't smoke and earns this much and so on. The ones in their late 20's only want men up to their early 30's. I went through every profile. Only 3 interested me, and none of them wanted someone like me.

Better off meeting people in real life.

I have two dates in the next 3 weeks. One a blind date with a beautician (free waxing!), setup by mutual friends, and one a date with a chick I had a fling with last year before she 'went travelling'. She's back.

Caroline said...

The thing about RSVP is that a) I'm too picky, so when I see they are into starsigns (a LOT of them), or Justin Timberlake, or they can't spell, I lose interest. The list is greatly culled.

How many people on there are into starsigns AND JT AND can't spell AND are in their early 30s? Because that right there is my sister in law.

squib said...

Melba I always thought GSOH meant they had a job and/or a house

Melba said...

How does that work, squib?

Great Slum, Orlso Hemployed.

No, it's definitely Good Sense of Humour.

And Perseus, you have dates, so no RSVP for you. Online is for people who don't even have date options. Or who are greedy.

wari lasi said...

There's a distinct lack of SWFs here and so I know a few guys who've done the RSVP thing. Two who brought the ladies up here and one who married one.

But boy oh boy, did they have to wade through some shit to get there. Apparently RSVP is quite reputable but people are fanastic at misreprsenting themselves. One guy is certain that the lady had someone else writing her emails. She came across as quite literate and well read, until he flew to Cairns to have dinner with her (he paid for her to fly from Sydney) and she was a bogan of the first degree.

But obviously the married guy reckons it was worth it. Another mate of mine is now married to a staggeringly beautiful lady from Argentina.

Fancy a trip to South America Perseus?

Louche said...

If you read the comments on Samantha Brett's blog, you'd know that all Australian women are vapid bogan, feminist gold-diggers (no I don't get that either) and Asian and Latino women are far superior.

catlick said...

"One guy is certain that the lady had someone else writing her emails."
Is this an actual job?

squib said...

Melba I'm embarrassed to admit I thought it stood for Got Sole Ownership (of) House

patchouligirl said...

Perseus, I suspect you enjoy single life far more than you admit.

RSVP is always going to be the logical place for people who for various reasons dont want to socialise in person - those lacking free time, presentation, social skills and married men in particular.

Louche said...

Once you get to a certain age and stop randomly pashing strangers in bars, and all your friends are boring settles types, just how do you go about meeting people? Were I single I'd be hitting up internet dating sites for sure.
Of course there are a few bad eggs, but same with the weirdos you meet at bars.

Perseus said...

Once you get to a certain age and stop randomly pashing strangers in bars

I'm 39 and still doing that.

But seriously Louche, the answer is either through work, or through 'hobbies'/clubs (in my case, band), or through spreading the word amongst friends who in turn all have their own workplaces and hobbies.

PG: I split up from long-term ex 2 years ago, and yes, loved being single, but I'm ready for something now.

Caroline: Hambo got married? Or the other side?

Squib: The more I read that, the funnier it becomes.

Wari: I'm going to Georgia and Greece next year. I'll look there.

Ramon and Stubb: Sorry for posting my dating woes again. You may now tell me to shutup.

Melba said...

Squib, it's not you who should be embarrassed for NOT knowing the acronym, but me, because I DO know.

Caroline said...

Hambo got married? Or the other side?

He's single. He enjoys XBox, hax0ring his neighbours' bandwidth, walks on the beach and looking at sunsets if you're interested Pers.

Perseus said...

Nah, there's only so much Star Trek I can watch.

Caroline said...

He's more of a Stargate guy.

Stubbadub said...

Don’t worry Perseus, I have found this thread very amusing and my previous brain explosion related more to the schmultsy kissy kissy stuff that was beginning to get out of control between some people.

Mad Cat Lady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Puss In Boots said...

Dude, you just have to stick with it. I was on dating sites for 6 years before I found my boyfriend. And I dated a LOT of losers. But the trick is exactly what you said - cull all the ones whose profiles have stupid things in them. My favourites were the guys who said, under the "Books" section, "What's that? I'd rather just watch the movie." Immediately culled.

It makes it easier actually, because then you only have a list of less than 10 out of the hundreds to contact and keep track of. Then you go on dates and realise they're all liars and morons, and start again. As I said, it took me 6 years. But I find it way more appealing than going out to clubs or bars trying to meet people. Mostly because I don't drink, so there's an instant incompatibility right there!

Not to mention that internet dating profiles are an endless source of comedy!

Perseus said...

Puss, that's the worst advertisement for RSVP. "It'll take 6 years and most of the people you meet will probably be liars and morons."

My method is more to my liking.

MCL: Chicken.

wari lasi said...

"One guy is certain that the lady had someone else writing her emails."
Is this an actual job?


I suppose it is Catlick, people have speech writers don't they? In fact a few frequenters of this site do, or have done, that sort of stuff for a living. The person who actually delivers the speech however freely admits to having writers in their employ. But on a dating site what's the point if you're planning to actually meet the person at some stage? 5 minutes of face to face conversation and they'll realise you're an illiterate moron who's completely misled them.

Mad Cat Lady said...

bok bok bok

Puss In Boots said...

No, no, no. It took me 6 years because I am way too fussy for my own good (or not, as it turns out). I'm sure for normal people, you could meet someone on in there in a few months. I ditched people on there for very minor things, because they irritated me (one dude held his spoon like a 2 year old, one kept turning around in his chair and staring at other people in the restaurant, one ate a whole chicken with his fingers while sitting in my living room, etc). I'm sure if you are more forgiving than I am, it wouldn't take you that long.

But yes, a lot of people on there are liars and morons. But so are people in real life.

social disaster said...

My brother met a girl through RSVP (or a similar site) about 3 and a half years ago. They're now married with two kids. There are nice stories sometimes.

patchouligirl said...

I'm sure if you are more forgiving than I am, it wouldn't take you that long My criteria was limited to must be honest, hardworking and over 5'8". It took me 7 years and I still had to compromise on the height. I love that it took me longer than you though Puss, I feel exclusive somehow. Might whip down the shop for some satin sleeping bag liners and disinfectant.

Perseus said...

The 2 hours from Melbourne changes everything. I had a date a few months ago, got along fine, but she owned a house and business in Melbourne and she wasn't moving and neither was I.

My blind date coming up lives "just up the road" (50kms away) and for us countryfolk that's a major consideration.

I did a search for a particular 'profile'...

I selected:

*Woman
*28-36 y.o,
*Atheist,
*Wants children
*Lives within 100kms of me.

The search result?

"There are 0 matches - please widen your search?"

To what? The "hahaha lol :)" spastics? The desperate star-sign-embracing "looking for my soul mate, must be a Virgo" weirdos? Or the "Luv clubbin to RnB and that..." bogans?

patchouligirl said...

No open minded Agnostics either?

Perseus said...

What, a fence sitter? At least a strict Jehovah has some CONVICTION!

Perseus said...

Agnostic: A lazy thinker and doer who refuses to do anything for any church, including specifically the charity work in their name, or bother to get up early on a Sunday, and instead, lives life like a heathen but occassinally says, "Oh, there might be a God" just in case God exists and he is listening and they can sneak into the backdoor of Paradise should the intake be low that week.

If you truly believe there's a God, then you should be prostrate at the altar begging for his mercy and his favour and serving his will for the duration of your life. If you don't, then just get on with your life as you see fit. Stop hedging your bets, pansies.

catlick said...

I must agree with Perseus. Living even 90 minutes from Melbourne is a killer for relationships. I'm thinking of how to spin this. Little help Ramon?

squib said...

Melba yeah I guess you're right :)

Persey the phrase you want is "because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will chunder thee out of my mouth." (Rev 3:16)

Boogeyman said...

Where do you stand on agnostic atheism, PQ? Or, for that matter, Atheistic agnosticism?

At least a strict Jehovah has some CONVICTION!

Well, yes, Jehovah was rather strict. Caused a few natural disasters, as I recall. But I don't think he was ever convicted or imprisoned like his distant third cousins, the Titans.

Fad MD said...

I always refer to myself as being an apathist. I just don't care.

Louche said...

Perseus, out of interest, why did you only select women up to three years younger than you?

Perseus said...

Babies.

Boogeyman said...

38yo women can't have babies, PQ?

Perseus said...

S'pose. But, you know. What if I/we want three? Then I s'pose she could have a baby at, I dunno, 45, but, you know, jeez.

Louche said...

From wikipedia:
"At age 40, 44% will get pregnant within one year, and 64% within four years.[7]
The above figures are for pregnancies ending in a live birth and take into account the increasing rates of miscarriage in the ageing population. According to the March of Dimes, "about 9 percent of recognised pregnancies for women aged 20 to 24 ended in miscarriage. The risk rose to about 20 percent at age 35 to 39,"

Not having a go at you, but wouldn't want you to be missing out on potentially awesome older women, as most of my Eastern suburbs mothers group were in their late 30s!

Good luck with your search.

Perseus said...

Well on those figures, I should be checking out the 20 year olds.

"Who's yer sugardaddy?"

Boogeyman said...

Perhaps what you need, PQ, is a preloved womb.

"39 year old, well-heeled, seaside loving gent seeks female of breeding age with proven ability to gestate live healthy young. Please bring examples of previous output to interview, followed by coffee.

Note: Must like isolated country towns, Proust and walking around barefoot."

Caroline said...

If its babies you are after, I have a spare one I can sell you for parts.

Caroline said...

I have identified your problem Perseus. Your RSVP profile says you are 60 and haven't accessed the site since 1999. Potential partners may assume you are in fact now dead.

http://www.rsvp.com.au/search/nameSearchAction.jsp?searchStr=perseus

Boogeyman said...

Actually Caroline, I think this fine specimen might be him, if he's a little dyslexic with his name.

"Glorious in my imperfections, relaxed person who enjoys the company of down-to-earth and fun people. In my spare time I enjoy doing arts, hanging out with friends, watching movies, cooking, listening to music or doing outdoor activities.
Self motivated, and like to succeed in life."

Yep, sounds like a match.

Perseus said...

I'm open to a single mother, Boogeyman. Just. She'd have to be one helluva woman.

Caroline, the telltale signs that that's not me is that the word 'golf' was used without a cuss-laded diatribe finishing with the words 'a good walk ruined'.

And 'scientific consultant'? I don't even understand how an egg beater works.

I'm capable of losing a game of noughts and crosses.

Perseus said...

"A very special woman with GSOH who lives her life according to the rules of the Universe.
She is the pearl in this bag of lentils!"


Do you hate me Boogeyman? Do you hate me that much?

Caroline said...

hAHAHA Boogey - that guy is a douche. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this single crap anymore.

Louche said...

Perseus, you need to re-write your intro like this:
"Sexually rapacious, morally barren polygamist game-playing cad seeks sister wives for new compound in Utah"

BTW who is this guy? His PR shots are disturbingly familiar:
http://www.rsvp.com.au/profile/display.jsp?handle=Bergerac&uid=1429983

Boogeyman said...

Perseus, you have to live your life according to the rules of the Universe. One can't just oppose the laws of physics with insouciant impunity, you know.

Caroline, does this mean you're not browsing RSVP for men while hubby's at home barefoot in an apron?

Caroline said...

Well I *did* read on the interwebs that I'm having an affair so, "yunno" it must be true.

WitchOne said...

Pers, it's not unusual for older women to be having babies, by accident or design, these days. I'm donating my eggs and my 2 recipients are both women in their 40's, and 1 is single so she had to organise a sperm donor as well.

Women tend to wait for the right guy to have kids with (well, some do anyway) and when they don't find him they are more than capable of having kids on their own. But they wish they didn't have to.

Don't write off older women but if you are going the rounds of the dating sites, make it clear you want kids. Women (like men) as they get older, either do or don't want kids and that will be the final deciding factor.

patchouligirl said...

I'm donating my eggs and my 2 recipients are both women in their 40's, and 1 is single so she had to organise a sperm donor as well So the baby will have no genetic connection to her at all? We do have to rethink our adoption laws if these are the lengths people go to in order to have someone elses child.

As for older mothers, I had my first at 40 and am trying for my 2nd now at 42. I wouldn't have planned to leave it this late (fertility drops off by 50% after 35) but I had no problems falling pregnant, a dream pregnancy and delivered a healthy boy on the due date. Fingers crossed I can pull it off again!

re Agnostics - I see them as the honest ones. They dont know what comes next and are happy to admit it. Whats the problem with that?

wari lasi said...

They dont know what comes next and are happy to admit it. Whats the problem with that?

Wise words Patch. One of the fundamental tenets of all organised religion is that you aren't allowed to say, "I don't know".

Richard Dawkins (and Perseus) pillories agnostics because he insists that you say you definitely know there isn't a God.

The truth is nobody knows, anyone who says they do is lying, or deluded.

Perseus said...

Actually, Dawkins splits agnosticism into two - permanent agnostics and temporary ones. He reckons the temporary ones are just fine (ones that are willing to investigate) but the permanent ones (who simply give up and say 'we'll never know') are the weaklings.

Perseus said...

And I know there is no God, and that is not delusional. I know it in the same way you know there are no fairies in your garden.

Louche said...

Hardcore atheist here.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

you know there are no fairies in your garden

Don't tell the Greens that.

Desci said...

Witchie, at least it'll be in a smoke-free incubator this time around. Healthy birth weights for all!

patchouligirl said...

And I know there is no God I have a very strong aversion to organised religion. I simply can't swallow it. But there are things in this world that science can't explain. There has got to be another answer and we haven't found it yet, it probably wont do us any good if we do find it, and maybe we arent meant to know anyhow. The most obvious thing to me is that if you are given a life to make the best of it, don't spend it worrying about what happens next. As for doing the right thing, I like Einsteins take on it "If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed".

Caroline said...

I tend to be guided by the great prophed, Belinda Carlisle who did decree (from the Book of Diane Warren) that heaven is a place on earth.

Caroline said...

propheT even.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Oh, a heaven is a place on earth

I thought it was a place near Perth.

My mistake.

Caroline said...

Heaven was also once a gay nightclub in Canberra. Heaven no longer exists.

Jamie said...

Heaven.

Must be there.

Well it's just got to be there!