Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Thou shalt not suffer a witch* to live.

The rapid approach of 31st October fills me with dread for two reasons.

Firstly, it’s more than likely that we’ll get some of the neighbourhood kids coming around to our front door, demanding “trick or treat”.

Given this will be on Friday evening and I’ll already be half-cut, I predict something along these lines.

Adorable neighbourhood kids: “Treat or treat!”

Me: “Aw, shit kids. I dunno what we’ve got but I’ll see if I can rustle up a couple of beers for you.’

Mrs INH: “RAMON!!!!!!!”

Seriously, haven’t we got enough crap popular culture from the US** already? It’s just beyond embarrassing.

Secondly, all the usual pagan deadshits will be banging on and on and on about “Beltane” and how the Christian church has stolen their holiday and witch burnings and the usual palaver.

Quite frankly – just fuck off. You’re with people that makes the Seventh Day Adventists look normal, you insist on going “sky-clad***” when you really, really, really don’t have the physique for it, you’ve got an (organic) chip on both shoulders and I’m not surprised the authorities killed so many of you in centuries past – it was probably to get you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

I don’t like any religion and I’ll be buggered if I’m going to make an exemption for your particular bag of gibberish.

And while we’re talking about wankers, can somebody suggest to Catherine Deveney she might like to put a fucking sock in it?

Sweet Jesus, she’ll be talking about dewdrops on roses and whiskers on kittens next.

*Obviously not you, Witchie.

**I am aware Halloween originated in iron-age Celtic cultures. Are you an iron-age Celt? Exactly, I thought not.

***In the nuddie.

37 comments:

Mr E Discharge said...

Is Capsicum Spray classified as a "Trick" or a "Treat"?

Louche said...

It's sky-clad Ramon. Get your paganisms right.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Shit, thanks for picking that up Louche.

Change made.

patchouligirl said...

I refuse to squash the enterprising spirit of a child, so thanks for the reminder. I usually get caught out with nothing but a few biscuits.

I admire the kids guts knocking on doors in this neighbourhood, where there are far more interesting substances than beer available. I also feel sorry for them that their parents would even consider letting them do it.

Perseus said...

Oh, pagans. Add them to the list along with wiccans and anyone who uses the word 'chakra' and considers 'colour therapy' as therapy. Oh and 'healing crystals'. And 'holistic' anything. Get FUCKED! You're right, I'd prefer an SDA.

But... I'm okay with Halloween. Kids running about in funny clothes meeting the neighbours. It's more fun and relevant than Easter, and I'd be happy for a permanent swap, so long as we kept the Easter public holidays.

Stop being a grinch and give the kiddies some lollies you big bully.

Aesophia said...

You should read 'Against Religion' Ramon... Can't remember the author, and it is a bit of a tough read (the guy can't get over his own education and vocabulary) but I'm sure you would find it very 'enlightening' if I may use the term here is this anti-religious context ;P

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Thanks for the recommendation Aesophia.

It's on the list, along with God is not Great by The Hitch.

I'll probably cough up something for the kidlets, Pers.

The two kids from the hippie family next door used to pop around whenever we had a BBQ, saying "Can we have some meat? Do you have any pig?"

Mrs INH used to say "Don't feed them, we'll never get rid of them" but we usually gave them something.

Perseus said...

Yet again, Ramon, you are revealed as being a nice mild-mannered man.

Bark. Bite.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

That's a filthy lie, Pers, you take that back!

I'm a cunt cunt, ask anybody!

squib said...

I've never heard of Wiccans doorknocking before Ramon, that's pretty funny

I've been roped into taking the little one trick or treating. I hate the whole thing and I hate knocking on people's doors because if people are mean to me I just feel like crying

Aesophia said...

A friend once told me that he wasn't a cunt & could never be one - he simply wasn't that useful...

WitchOne said...

Meh, all religion is fucked up but the ones I can deal with best are generally pagans. Mother nature, changing of the seasons etc and so on. I can go with that, at least it isn't some higher being no one has ever met telling you what to do via some guy with a fetish for little boys.

Halloween, in the privacy of your own home with loads of cocktails and crap food (or in my case, carefully homemade and lovingly presented food) and the kids running around high on red cordial, all the while everyone wearing stupid masks. Actually sounds like fun, especially if you throw in some MJ Thriller tracks and maybe Rocky Horror.

Stubbadub said...

“Sky-clad” is a new one for me Ramon. Taking it literally, sky-clad only sounds achievable if you are skydiving or standing on the roof of an aircraft. Those crazy hippies!

Perseus said...

"at least it isn't some higher being..."

I disagree Witchie. They simply replace God with the 'cosmos' or whatever, but essentially, they believe the same things. Fate, souls, life after death, punishment / judgement... Their stupid rituals are just like any church. I call it 'Gluten God'. They are just Christians in darker clothes.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Gluten God

*snort*

Pagans just believe in a different sky-pilot.

They're also just as judgemental as the most fundi Christian - try telling a group of pagans you're a meat-eater.

Boogeyman said...

My kids knew nothing of Halloween until the school told them all about it last year. They bugged me about going trick or treating last year, and I told them then that we're not Americans, and if they wanted to do Halloween in Australia then they'd have to eat heaps of pumpkin.

I don't have the energy to fight them on it this year. I'll probably take them on a token trick or treat for half an hour and be done with it.

As for Wiccans, they're really just another disorganised church. You'll find that a small percentage of them are intelligent, interesting people curious to see what answers they can find in it, but the vast majority are fundamentalist new-age whack-jobs with the sense of humour of a brain-damaged newt.

patchouligirl said...

Oh - you people actually go with your kids? Theres an idea. Around here they just turn up on their own. And I wouldn't think of saying 'trick' to these kids the next thing my car would be egged or my letterbox blown up.

homesick said...

I managed to avoid it(Halloween)in London as it wasn't that widespread in 2000.

If any teenage chavs dressed in black garbage bags screamed 'Trick Or treat' at my door I only had Petit Folous (small kiddy type fromage frais)to offer them.
fast forward to the baptist lovin' Caribbean and I'd hoped I'd be removed from it all.

Bloody North Americans.. they do like their Halloween especially the expat types.

We'll have beers,seabreezes,Sav Blanc and packets of M&M's to offer the brave kiddies.

Over here we tend to go for the treat option as the other may result in something of a 'property destroying' nature.

Boogeyman said...

I'm just not comfortable with my 8yo boys knocking on strangers' doors all by themselves, that's all. Either I go with them, or they don't go.

WitchOne said...

It is getting to be a big deal, in my day it wasn't done to go trick or treating, now, I await the day those little shits with their meth addicted parents come knocking.

It will be treats or I may find my house blown up and my children held for ransom.

homesick said...

Look at us all embracing American culture to appease the offspring.

I only just managed to avert my girls attention away from the Hannah Montana costumes to be a gothic witch and zombie cheerleader. Spouse will be escorting them on the trick or treating rounds as Robert Smith. The locals won't get him so hilarity will ensue.

Phew.. only now I have to find some black nailpolish and lippy on this island.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

For $1.50, homesick, I understand you can get the real Robert Smith.

homesick said...

If only he had been that price back in 1988.

Meh....

squib said...

My youngest is going as a cute liddle lamb

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Anybody sending their offspring out dressed as owls will receive a "yellow card" - squib style.

Fad MD said...

We're on to our 3rd Halloween party this arvo with 2 more to come. Fortunately cheap costumes are plentiful here.Miss Fadlet will be Snow White and Master Fadlet will either be a snake or the Flash.

And the missus and I are going out to dinner so the maids can deal with the sugar high.

Aesophia said...

'Gluten God'

I almost inhaled my choc chip muffin in the ensuing hilarity after reading that Pers - LMAO

Louche said...

So your kid won't be wearing one of these, Ramon? I wrote that post with you in mind.

Perseus said...

Gluten God, or "I Can't Believe It's Not God."

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yellow card, Louche.

Stubbadub said...

Greenie design blog Inhabitat now has a little baby blog - Inhabitots. The site focuses on sustainable family living , from cardboard toys to organic maternity clothes.

Y'know, back in the old days when I was a kid, cardboard toys was a fancy name for the big box the tv came in.

I'm really glad I'm not a parent, I'm not sure I could handle the ceaseless expectations propagated by blogs such as the one Louche just linked to.

Boogeyman said...

When my kids were about 3, I collected a heap of big cardboard boxes, cut out doorways and crawlholes, and masking taped them all together into a big cubby house/maze in the rumpus room. The kids loved playing in that thing, it was cheap and easy to make, and way more interesting and fun than the crappy cubby houses and crawl tubes you can buy from the toy store (I can attest to this as I crawled through it a few times chasing little kids).

Of course, it fell apart a lot faster than the plastic material ones from the toy store too, but you get that.

Louche said...

There are parents who are lazy and into that stuff though - not that I am.

There is a cool company that makes rivets and provides cool plans for how to make amazing cubbies, pirate ships etc from old fridge boxes etc. Stay together better than masking tape.

http://www.mrmcgroovys.com/

http://www.mrmcgroovys.com/

patchouligirl said...

$30 for a t shirt? Oh well my son will have to be eco friendly by wearing recycled t shirts that friends give us.

Stubbadub said...

Those rivet things are awesome, you could almost make rooms out of cardboard and rent them to international students with them.

catlick said...

Happy Halloween Ramon



(o,o)
/ ' )
~"~"~

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Thanks, catlick.

Is that meant to be an owl?