Monday, October 6, 2008

What every home handymensch needs!

The Clash's bass player Paul Simonon, taking out his frustration after trying to assemble some Ikea furniture


On the weekend, I had some chores to do around the house.

The Mrs and The Boy set off to the library (a necessity as he’s of the age where he desperately wants to “help”. Myself and the cat have quickly learned that his offers to “help” often end up involving mess, chaos, confusion and usually tears – often from The Boy)

“Righto” I thought to myself “this is a big job and there’s no way it can be tackled without alcohol and extremely loud music”.

So I cracked open a Coopers, put on The Clash’s "London Calling" and pumped that sucker up to 27.

Apart from the occasional break where I took some time off to pogo around the livingroom, it was a most productive afternoon.

In the unlikely event I ever become an international figure, with an adoring public hanging off my every word, I would be only too happy to endorse Coopers Sparking Ale and The Clash as indispensable tools to the home handyman.

Also – I can listen to "Clampdown” until the blood is dripping from the speakers. Is there a better opening line than “Taking off his turban/they say ‘is this man a jew?’,” in rock music?

And is there a sadder (or truer) one than “So you grow up and you calm down”?

I think not.

43 comments:

Perseus said...

Though not on London Calling, I find White Riot excellent house-chore music. I sing along loudly, but the thing is I don't know the words (aside from the 'white riot' bit). I just make 'em up.

Fred said...

I heard Coopers were going out of business.

apparently the old winos, that gather up the empties for the zac,
are bussed out to Coorong lower lakes, where they dunk them in the murky swamp water.
Coopers then cap and label the bottles and peddle them to the gullible as Beer

The lakes are drying up.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

That's some yummy swamp water.

Boogeyman said...

You're trying to assemble IKEA furniture, Ramon? My sympathies.

I went out to IKEA yesterday - big mistake. Ten minutes into their store and I was trapped in a hellish maze of stylish yet affordable homewares, with no obvious exit, apart from having to walk through 30km of store path to the checkouts.

Then I got lost in the enormous carpark with exit signs that pointed everywhere but the exit. By the time I escaped to civilisation, my brain was mush and unable to process the simplest of road signs. "No Through Road" the sign says. Ahhh, that must lead me onto the M1 then, I thinks.

All I wanted was a couch. All I got was an cerebral aneurysm.

Perseus said...

I bought 80 wooden coathangers in Ikea once. They came in packs of ten, dirt cheap. Regrets? None! Man, my wardrobe orderliness is the feature of my house. Well, that and all the naked groupies running everywhere. Oh, hang on. That last bit was a dream.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Ah yes Pers, but you didn't have to assemble the cunts.

But on the plus side, at least you can get a beer in their store cafes.

Mind you, after dealing with the horrors of Ikea, you'll need a couple of stiff drinks.

squib said...

I got cardboard storage boxes from Ikea once, just small ones for documents and photos and the like. I got loads of them but then I discovered the horrible truth: they had screws and little thingeys. Each box had 4 screws and it took me all week to make them into boxes

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Swedish companies - cunts.

Self-assembly furniture - cunts.

Swedish, self-assembly furntiure companies - cunt cunts.

Perseus said...

Swedish backpakers - fine by me!

Boogeyman said...

Perseus - is it their clean simple lines that appeal, or what they can do with an Allen key?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

The chief advantage of Swedish backpakers is that you don't have to assemble them.

Puss In Boots said...

We have matching coathangers, Perseus! It really must be true love!

I am unable to buy any other wooden coathanger, purely because then they wouldn't match what I already have. I must have at least 200 of them, and I still don't have enough. The last two times I've been to Ikea (and the coathangers are the only reason I put up with being herded through the store like a cow), they've been out of coathangers. Very annoying.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

*Scribbles down another note for the Puss; list of quirks file.

Must have matching coathangers,

Collection of more than 200 of same*

squib said...

That is The Ikea Secret, Puss. The item you want will not be in stock until you cease wanting it

Try this. Go to Ikea and visualise wanting skamt vases in every colour of the rainbow. I promise you there will be no vases when you get there but there will tonnes of coathangers

patchouligirl said...

I think Joan Crawford went through a 'no wire hangers' phase in Mommy Dearest, which should have put me off, but I went ahead and bought all wooden coathangers anyway. It lasted until the first time Mr Patch locked the keys in the car and wanted to know why we didn't possess a single wire hanger.

Boogeyman said...

The chief advantage of Swedish backpakers is that you don't have to assemble them.

Where do you find them? I've been looking for pre-assembled Swedish backpackers for some time, but IKEA only had the flat-packed ones.

Puss In Boots said...

Dude, that thing will end up being longer than the days you will live.

Perseus said...

Puss: The dark-grained ones with the black hooks? If so, then yes, it's true love and we can move in together.

Then I'll have to move out 3 hours later when you prevent me from smoking, drinking, taking drugs, drinking coffee all day, lightly steaming green beans, pushing the vaccuum cleaner lead retractor button and breeding.

Puss In Boots said...

Or if you happen to move the rug so it's not precisely in line with the couches.

Although that can be sold by having carpet, I suppose.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

*rug not in line with couches*

wari lasi said...

Ramon, that list must be getting huge. But I'm actually convinced that Puss does it on purpose.

And you guys are all running an hour early again. How does boogey feel about no daylight saving(s) in sunny Q.

It wouldn't make any sense here.

Puss In Boots said...

I mention them on purpose, Wari, but they're still true.

And I for one am grateful we don't have daylight savings. I've never seen the point of it.

wari lasi said...

So you really are the quirky one Puss? You must realise though that at times you can come across as pretentious, in fact I believe some of yours and Hack's most fiery exchanges in the past related to exactly that.

I liked daylight saving when I lived in Sydney, with the exception of trying to get kids to bed, ("it's still LIGHT outside!") but it really is a southern latitude thing. A large proportion of Queensland is tropical, like here, where it makes no sense. The sun here comes up at six and sets at six, with very little variation during the year. And we only have two seasons of course, wet and dry.

Stubbadub said...

Whats wrong with not lining the rug up with the couchs? It would be like leaving pictures hanging crookedly on the wall.

Stubbadub said...

And please excuse the spelling, I've just had a long weekend.

patchouligirl said...

There is a lot of Monica from 'friends' in some of these quirks.

Fad MD said...

Or if you happen to move the rug so it's not precisely in line with the couches.


As long as the rug matches the curtains.

Puss In Boots said...

So you really are the quirky one Puss? You must realise though that at times you can come across as pretentious, in fact I believe some of yours and Hack's most fiery exchanges in the past related to exactly that.

I do realise that, Wari, but there's not much I can do about it. That's just how I write.

And I wouldn't say quirky so much as a gigantic pain in the arse. I don't know how my poor boy puts up with me, in all honesty.

eat my shorts said...

I went to IKEA when I was in Adelaide. It was fabulous. I heart it.

They have food there! Wonderful! It's lucky I was just about to head back to Melbourne on the plane, otherwise I'd have bought a whole bunch of shit there, including the food.

I have a photo from my IKEA experience too. I'll put it on Facebook later so youse can have a look if you wants.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I went to IKEA when I was in Adelaide. It was fabulous

I don't know which is more alarming, EMS, the fact that you love Ikea or the fact that you went to Adelaide.

Stubbadub said...

I don't know how my poor boy puts up with me, in all honesty.

I'm sure the fact that you are an ex-stripper would forgive any number of quirks.

eat my shorts said...

It was for work, Ramon. It's not like I paid to go or anything.

And it wasn't that bad.

Except it was colder than home.

And most of the time I was in a conference room, so I didn't really see much of it anyway.

But the bits I did see were ok.

WitchOne said...

I love Ikea but it makes me tired. Shelves of things, bedroom arrangements I can never hope to emulate, kitchens that would never work in my house, all these things I want but can't fit in my car all at once!

Then I get home and can't remember what I saw anyway.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Then I get home and can't remember what I saw anyway

Too many schnapps in the Ikea cafe perhaps, Witchie?

Boogeyman said...

Ramon, she probably got overloaded with the overwhelming quantity of similar yet slightly different homewares on display.

I can see why Apple don't give people choice. "You can have any iKEA product you like, but it must be in iPod white".

The other thing that fries your brain are the Swedish names and descriptions - I was confusing my Blekinges and Karlstads. At one point I tried to ask a shop assistant to demonstrate an Aspelund with Flekenes, and got a slap in the face for my trouble.

Melba said...

I am philosophically opposed to Ikea. You look in the directions to assemble anything larger than a chair, and at times "outline wife" appears to helpfully hold certain bits of the furniture. Then she disappears, to let "outline husband" get on with the job.

Why can't outline wife do the assembling, and outline husband get the bit parts?

I thought we were past the "outline wife" stage.

I'm not opposed to the Ikea soft serves. Mmmmm. We always get one.

WitchOne said...

Exactly Boogey, 1 kitchen 18 different ways?? Puhleeeease! I want 1 kitchen, 1 way. Make it simple(er).

But then, apparently I haven't any taste, I want to paint a room around a Pauline Grayson still life, the colour, peach, I'm being slammed over it.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I recall reading somewhere that the Danes were getting pissed off that Ikea - a Swedish company - were giving all the crappy goods (like toilet roll holders) the names of Danish towns.

Sort of like calling the dunny roll holder an "Auckland".

Boogeyman said...

Why can't outline wife do the assembling, and outline husband get the bit parts?

I don't have an outline wife, or even an outline girlfriend. *sniff* Way to rub salt in the open wounds of my heart, you cold Nordic bastards!!!

Ramon, I'd happily buy a toilet brush named Beowulf, so I could chant while cleaning the toilet, "Sink, Grendel, you vile cable, leave Heorot's hallowed halls, so Hrothgar drunkenly unstable, can dump in stainless porcelain walls!"

Stubbadub said...

I tried to ask a shop assistant to demonstrate an Aspelund with Flekenes, and got a slap in the face for my trouble.

Don't forget to try the veal ladies and gentleman, he's here all week!

Boogeyman said...

Sheesh, tough crowd. I forget one self-deprecating postscript and get set upon by vultures.

eat my shorts said...

I like the fact that they have lots of shiny things, and all the shiny things are in the same shop. It saves time going to lots of different shops to look at shiny things.

Louche said...

Ikea is hell (even if the meatballs are cheap and tasty) and I just don't understand why they don't have online ordering in NSW. It makes *So* much sense.