Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Weight Wagon

So Oprah’s fallen off the weight wagon. That truly is a shame because she helped Obama get where he is today (actually, where is he!) and I want her to be happy.

I never watch her show so I really don’t know what it is she does to achieve her status as world’s most famous and admired woman. Luckily some of her stuff seeps into international – well, western – consciousness such as the Tom Cruise couch jumping routine. Couldn’t live without moments like that. Anyway, it’s never good to see people get fat, especially when they don’t want to be. Sadly this is, I assure you, the vast majority. Even Oprah was "embarrassed".

She blames her thyroid. At least she didn’t blame big bones. I appreciate that thyroid issues can contribute to weight gain. Also, people have varying metabolisms which means some people gain weight easily while some people can barely gain weight at all. But here’s a simple little equation I’ve devised:

Energy consumption > Energy expenditure = Weight gain.

Phew, I think I solved it. After much thought, I think that’s it. No more fad diets, no more lite ‘n’ easy, no more avoiding carbs, fats, meat, dairy, whatever the current thing is we're supposed to avoid. I can boil it down to an even simpler statement: exercise more, eat less. You heard it here first.

Ok, ok. Maybe you think I’m over-simplifying things. But you know, I’m really not. Yes, people who have slower metabolisms have to work harder. That’s true. Sorry, but that’s your lot. You have thyroid problems? I’m sorry to hear that, but you have to work a little harder too. You have big bones? Nobody has big bones. That’s not bone hanging over your jeans.

Exercise more. Eat less.

I’ve done it myself. Lost 20 kgs. How did I do it?

I exercised more and I ate less.


Jamie said...

You'd reckon Oprah would have lost weight after her arsehole was shot dead and her minge stopped packing heat.

Safe for work, but weird all the same:

shitbmxrider said...

Im on the 'Eat Less, Exercise More" train....and at a starting weight of 138kgs, ive got a fair bit to go

(I started last week.)

patchouligirl said...

Its will power eh. Food is so much fun and to make it worse alcohol is totally calorific as well! I'm married to a man who never goes over 62kg no matter what he eats. He will sit on the couch on his bony arse and eat half a pack of tim tams in one go while I'm on the exercise bike. I really hope reincarnation is true because if we don't come back with our metabolisms reversed I'll be totally pissed off.

Lewd Bob said...

Yeah it shits you doesn't it Patch. Better keep a watch on his cholesterol. Apparently it's better to be fit and fat that unfit and skinny.

Good on you shitbmxrider. Not sure about your timing starting just prior to Christmas but it'll test your willpower. For every spoonful of pudding that's another lap around the oval.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

I recall Skeletor and Tealou going the biff over this very issue, quite some time ago.

patchouligirl said...

The trick is finding a regime you can live with indefinitely, not just for the duration of the diet.

wari lasi said...

Don't forget the most important ingredient in any diet.


I love food and I drink way too much, but I'm not fat and won't be because I don't want to be fat.

The few morbidly obese people I know seem to have a few factors in common.

Doing no exercise.
Drinking soft drinks.
Avoiding salad and vegetables.

You're right Bob, the vast majority of fat people are fat through simple self indulgence. They eat too fucking much and do too little physical activity.

Lewd Bob said...

I also eat and drink more than I need to. To compensate I ride my bike to work, walk everywhere and fidget a lot.

What I do hate to hear is when people say "I've tried everything but nothing seems to work!"

The problem is, they haven't tried everything. My equation stands true. Sometimes it's hard. Very hard. But to say 'nothing works' defies logic and, for that matter, chemistry. And the thing is, everybody knows it (the equation) to be true, even those who say they've tried.

Perseus said...

I'm like Mr. Patch.

If I do weights for a month and forcefeed myself to eat like a pig, I might put on a kilo.

I think you're right about the fit and fat vs unfit and thin. I don't know who said it but there's a line: "Health is not the absence of sickness."

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

You also smoke like a chimney, Pers.

I suspect that might have something to do with it.

wari lasi said...

Deliberately inhaling carbon monoxide is a good way to keep the weight off. But then again, look at John Daly.

Mr E Discharge said...

Deliberately inhaling carbon monoxide is a good way to keep the weight off.

The Burnley Tunnel has a tick of approval from the Heart Foundation.

squib said...

I think a lot of the problem is the expectation that there should be three main meals in a day, and then mid morning and mid afternoon snacks. Unless your work involves hard physical work, there's no way you need all those meals

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

there's no way you need all those meals

Sez who?

squib said...

Sez me

I'm thinking about our cavepeople ancestors Ramon and I'm thinking they didn't have boxes of dinosaur shape biscuits and prehistoric fruit loops to keep them going

Mr E Discharge said...

Your iced vovo avatar certainly adds weight to your comments.

squib said...


Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yes squib but I smoke - which keeps the weight down.

And, and, I'm often so drunk I forget to eat.

For further tips, buy my Drink yourself slim diet book.

Now in the shops for Christmas.

shitbmxrider said...

Lewd: Yeah, I know, timing and all that...then again, im hoping to get away with as little family-christmas-related activity as possible, by being off my face, or alternatly, sleeping....cant eat, either way then

Lewd Bob said...

Yeah, it's the only way I get through family Christmas too.

Perseus said...

How were sales on your last book Cooking While Pissed , Ramon?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

It's in its third printing, Pers.

Catherine Deveney has written the forward.

Anonymous said...

I lost 40 kilos when I stopped drinking, but I think that had less to do with actual alcohol and more to do with other factors...

1. I realised that I didn't like soft drinks when they didn't have alcohol in them.
2. I found that I didn't like being around my friends very much when I was sober.
3. Once I stopped going out with my friends, I stopped eating junk food.
4. I suddenly found I had a lot of extra time on my hands to do things I'd always put off, like "exercise".
5. I stopped being a huge CuntCunt. Not really weight related but a nice side effect anyway.

patchouligirl said...

Yes I'd agree with alcohol leading to calorie amnesia. Sounds like you had a 'sugar busters' style weight loss. Reducing carbs is supposed to work too.

Anonymous said...

I'd never heard the term 'sugar-busters' before. I should say that my weight loss was completely incidental. I wasn't trying to lose weight when I stopped drinking. I was just tired of being drunk all the time and cutting back wasn't working.

WitchOne said...

I have found the best thing for weight loss is pregnancy and breastfeeding. I've gone from 99 kilos (just missed the magic 100) back to 60.

Won't work for the boys but hey girls, breed to lose weight! Plus the government gives you cash. It's win win really, except for the baby part. That can hold you back.

patchouligirl said...

I think we are so used to sugar in a modern diet that we become a bit addicted to it and consume way more than we should. One glass of wine has 90 calories. Soft drink is a common culprit of weight gain. The idea of sugar busters as far as I know was to lose weight through reducing sugar intake to a more reasonable level. I assume it would have to be incorporated into a holistic diet - you couldn't be scoffing bags of chips because you gave up fanta.

patchouligirl said...

I hear that a lot but I breastfed for a marathon 16 months and ended up 4 kgs heavier than before I fell pregnant. Even giving up alcohol for the pregnancy/breastfeeding time didn't have any effect which surprised me.

Lewd Bob said...

One of the best arguments against drinking soft drinks is the amount of your hard earned cash that ends up at filthy rich multi-national capitalist fucking giants such as Coca Cola (Coke, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Sprite, Fanta, Lift, Kirks Brands, Powerade, Deep Spring, as well as Goulbourn Valley Juices, Crusta Juice, Nestea, Appletiser, Mt Franklin and Pump Water), Pepsi (Pepsi, Pepsi Max, Diet Pepsi, Gatorade), Dr Pepper/Snapple Group (7 Up, Dr Pepper, Sunkist, RC Cola, Snapple, Schweppes Brands), Coles (Coles) or Woolworths (Woolworths).

Oh, and Coke also owns Bluetongue beer and has the local distribution rights to Nastro Azzurro Peroni and Miller.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

One of the best arguments against drinking soft drinks is that they won't get you pissed.

Lewd Bob said...

That too.

catlick said...

"I think a lot of the problem is the expectation that there should be three main meals in a day, and then mid morning and mid afternoon snacks. Unless your work involves hard physical work, there's no way you need all those meals"

This expectation is fostered in part by the marketing push for "minimum daily requirement" foods. Every interest group sells their product with a "recommended dose". If you add up the overall volume of food necessary to obtain "required" calcium, iron, fibre, omega 3, fruit & veg, macro nutrients, additives, suppliments, you'd be eating all day.
I have an idea that we rarely experience hunger, (which might inform us) we experience cravings, which further dull our dietary perceptions.

patchouligirl said...

Tonight while eating his usual tim tam pack:

Mr Patch: There is a part of a tooth in this tim tam!

Me: Hey its like the shit in the ice cream - but how do you prove it?

Mr Patch (moving his mouth): Oh wait a minute - its mine. Do you think I'll get something for it if I leave it under my pillow?

Me: What a part reward for a part tooth?

Mr Patch: Its gotta be worth 20 cents.

The moral of the story is that he may not get fat on tim tams but his teeth are falling apart.

eat my shorts said...

Just to share my 2 cents worth:
You're spot on, Lewd Bob. I recently found out I'm insulin resistant (I've got problems with that tag, I don't really know what it means. Apparently I'm not diabetic but my body thinks it's heading that way, at least, that's how I understand it), which explains why even though I've spent so much time at the gym this year, I've had no real results (made major changes to my diet at least 6 months ago as well). I'm now on medication that helps balance things out a bit (and makes me feel like rarking most of the time), but I still had to change my diet and exercise more. Better than ending up diabetic, so that's what I do (at least, that's what I'm trying to do). The medication helps things along a bit, but does nothing if you don't change your diet and exercise more.

There are actual medical reasons for why people find it hard to lose weight, but ultimately they have to make the decision themselves to change their diet and lifestyle. I carry the extra weight partly because of genetics (I'm sure that only counts for a small percentage) and mostly because of my lifestyle and diet. It's also one thing to realise this and another to get off your arse and do something about it, believe me. Personally, now that I'm taking medication it is helping me lose weight, but I won't see any decent results until I force myself to exercise much more regularly. And that means making it a priority. Hopefully I can get off the medication and avoid becoming a diabetic in the future.

WitchOne said...

EMS, I thought you looked like a young Kylie Minogue, are you telling me you're more like a white Oprah???

I'm crushed.

eat my shorts said...

Like "White Oprah", but fatter and I snort less coke and don't have daughters to whore out to the media (I'm hoping you're a fellow Dlisted reader and get that reference)

Back in the good old days of TSSH I tried to convince everyone I looked like Pamela Anderson. No-one bought it, funnily enough. I don't think I've ever professed to looking like Kylie though. And if I have, I don't remember, so it doesn't count.

That's a suitable defense, right?

WitchOne said...

It's the Kylie avatars love, I took them for self portraits!!

Not yet a Dlisted reader, may have to start though!

eat my shorts said...

Oh definitely start reading Dlisted. I have it as my homepage. It's fabulous. The wonderful and much much missed Dee Bliss recommended to me and I haven't looked back since.