Thursday, December 11, 2008
The Emperor Is Wearing No Clothes
Mr E. Discharge's mention of Yoko One reminded me of a post I was going to do a while back...
I know Boogeyman doesn't think much of my disclaimers, but I'm going to make another one. I'm a Beatles fan. I have all their albums. When I was loading them all onto I-Tunes, as I do with all my albums, I'm selective, and only bother to upload the songs I like so that if I hit the 'Party Shuffle' function I'm guaranteed to get songs I enjoy. 52 Beatles songs made the cut. That's a lot of songs to like. But from their most renowned and respected album 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'? Three. Yes, three.
(Actually, only two made it from Abbey Road which is a bag of shit, but that's not the album that gets the muso-intelligentsia all jizzin' over their Bang & Olufsens).
Let me look at the tracks.
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" – 2:02
A good start! I like this track. It's a bit rockin', it's quirky and foot stompin' and makes me wanna drop my 'g's from the end of words. It made my I-Tunes list.
"With a Little Help from My Friends" – 2:44
If it wasn't for his most excellent work with Thomas The Tank Engine, I'd be calling for Ringo to have his adenoids removed. This song is bad enough without listening to his nose sing it to me. Then, to make it worse, fucken Joe Cocker force-feeding us an insufferable cover version that we're stuck with to the grave. It's an overly-sentimental sing-song best suited for a campfire at a Seventh Day Adventist Youth Camp.
"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" – 3:28
See this is why people shouldn't take drugs. Instead of Government paying millions to advertising executives with ponytails and cocaine budgets that exceed Fiji's GDP to come up with hard-hitting anti-drug ads, all they need to do is buy some advertising space from a network, play this song to a blank screen, and right at the end bring up the text: "Don't do drugs."
"Picture yourself on a train in a station,
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties..."
No, I won't do that John because I'm not a potheaded hippy drongo.
"Getting Better" – 2:47
Is it? Is it Paul? Not if this song is anything to go by. Did you learn this melody line at kidergarten? Sounds like it.
"Fixing a Hole" – 2:36
McCartney himself said he was smoking too much pot when he wrote this song. The song fell into context for me when I read that. You know when you're at a party and some pothead starts talking crap about how we are here and they are there and we're just a hole in the wall and we have to fix it man? Well this song just puts the incoherent ramblings of boring odorous potheads to music. And what's with the harpsichord? Whose idea was that? The Stranglers used harpsichord in the brilliant 'Golden Brown' but no other band has ever managed to make it sound cool.
"She's Leaving Home" – 3:35
Tolerable, but it didn't make my I-Tunes. I did consider it though. Still, 'tolerable' is not a word generally applied to the so-called 'genius' of this album.
"Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!" – 2:37
Oh fuck off. No wonder he went to Yoko Ono. Her 'art' was as vaccuous as the childish musings on this supposedly 'surreal' piece. To quote TISM: "It's novel, it's unique, it's shithouse." You know, surrealism isn't meant to be indecipherable garbage, but it invariably is. And you know what else? YES IT IS A FUCKING PIPE! And Andy Kaufman can get fucked too.
Side two (if you can get that far)
"Within You Without You" (George Harrison) – 5:05
Ever been in a cheap Indian restaurant eating 20c pappadams and $2.95 dahl and having the distinct feeling that the hygeine standards in the kitchen are sub-standard? Well, this is the soundtrack to that feeling. Oh, and just because Eastern religions are older doesn't mean they are any better. Have a fucking shower, and then you can tell me about my chakra you HIPPY.
"When I'm Sixty-Four" – 2:37
A ditty. Dennis Walters wouldn't even touch it.
"Lovely Rita" – 2:42
Another ditty. Oh, I see... because they're like the biggest rock band EVAH if they do a nursery-rhyme ditty it's cool? But if, say, Miss Helena from Romper Room wrote and sang it, it would be a nursery-rhyme on a K-tel compilation? I see.
"Good Morning Good Morning" – 2:41
The morning alarm clock from HIPPY HELL. How can the same man that wrote 'Mother', 'Happiness Is A Warm Gun' and 'You've Got To Hide Your Love Away' also write this? How is it possible?
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise)" – 1:18
"A Day in the Life" – 5:33
Love it. At least it finishes alright.
I ask you, am I wrong?