Monday, December 1, 2008

Well, If Nobody Else Wants Him...

Artist's sketch of Ben Cousins as a Tiger.

Poor Ben. Stupid Ben. Brilliant Ben. Awesome Ben. Drug-fucked Ben. Gentle Ben. Big Ben. Who knows what Ben a football club will get should they recruit Cousins, Ben. What we do know is that at his peak he was awesome on the field. He could turn matches. He could rip the hearts out of opposition supporters. He could make grown-ups weep in envy at his talent.

We also know he was the type to walk to the front of the line at nightclubs, say "Do you know who I am?" and walk straight in. Eventually, one guesses, that lead to his downfall and his immersion in drug culture.

I can't talk. I have three of four E's a year, and maybe a line of cocaine once every two years... but my occupation, income and reputation is not in any way hindered by this recreational use of drugs. I can't say he is bad for taking drugs mmkay, but I can say he's an idiot for doing so.

Without footy, he's just another bogan.

He has had all year to a) break the habit and b) impress the clubs with his recovery. Working on the premise that 'a' was achieved, he has failed miserably at 'b', even with the assistance of his family, former clubmates and Anthony Mundine (and I'm not being facetious there. Mundine did actually try to help the guy and told him to be a 'man'.)

No clubs picked him up on the weekend, and his only chance now is with two or three clubs at the next round of drafting... one of which is my club, Richmond.

One of the problems was that when the AFL announced that Cousins' drug-testing conditions would be more difficult than any other player, he should have come straight out and said, "No worries!" Instead, there was this murky shit involving his manager claiming it was unfair. I, and many others in the footy world all said, "Shut the fuck up, say 'yes', and play some footy".

If I were Ben Cousins I would have spent all year in schools talking to kids about how bad drugs are mmkay, and at footy clubs, getting fit, working out, impressing them. Cousins hasn't done that. He's failed.

BUT. But. But. Who are we to demand anything of him? He's not our property. All this shit about how sponsors won't like him and how clubs have standards to apply... it's all modern gobbledygook litigious-society weasel-wording OH&S garbage.

Clubs have one core responsibility: To win football matches, playing within the rules of the game.

If Ben Cousins is off the drugs and is ready to play then every team should want him. It is an insult to their members if they do not offer him a spot on their list. What's the harm? Put him on minimum wage, give him a fairdinkum go, and if he gets back on the drugs kick him out on the streets! But if he's off the drugs, give the kid a run. He could win matches for you.

So, as self-appointed President of the Richmond Football Club, I hereby offer Ben Cousins a 1 year contract at minimum wage.


With the power of MS Paint behind me, I have three other options for Richmond to consider should the Cousins thing fall through.

1. Usain Bolt: As long as he got the ball, not a person on Earth would catch him. Not even Shane Crawford.

2. Christopher Hitchens. He could use his wit, logic and obscure quotes from Ovid's lesser-known works to convince opposition players to let us win.

3. Jenna Jameson. Because Richo has always wanted a team-mate to penetrate.*

* I think he meant a player to penetrate the opposition's defensive zone, but, you know, close enough.


oldeboots said...

He's not just a bogan -- he's a bargain of a bogan. As the leader of the West Coast Revolution, I say that Ben should come home.

Failing that, I would be happy seeing him playing as a Tiger.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

This is something to do with sport, right?

Melba said...

I think you've given the reason why no one wants him. It's called the little word "IF" as in "if he's off the drugs."

And him playing funny buggars via his manager (Mr Ricky Nixon, entertainment manager, if you don't mind) and via shaving his hair off so they couldn't test his hair, doesn't inspire confidence.

I sound like I care. I don't. Richmond can have him.

wari lasi said...

Nice work Perseus, except for the bloody drawing. You're crap at that.

I must say that I think football clubs, and individual players at an elite level, do have a wider responsibility than "winning games within the rules". I'm not saying they should all be as pure as driven snow, nor do I think they deserve the extreme scrutiny they are forced to suffer at times. But they are highly paid and are definitely role models and should at least take that responsibility seriously.

He was/is a fantastic footballer.

What a sheltered existence I live. I had to google her to find out she's a porn star. That's what I get for living in a filthy backwater where pornography is illegal. You can get deported for having a copy of Zoo Weekly.

WitchOne said...

Meh, they choose the lifestyle, they bitch and complain about the "attention" and the "stress of performing and being scrutinised" and then they turn to drugs or fishing.

No sympathy, send him home to play local footy and raise some bogan kids with his de facto missus because he's too cheap to marry her.

Aesophia said...

*cough*Freud*cough* there Witchie... ;P

Other than that. I agree with what you're saying. You wanna be a big name sports star, you work hard at it and become a great sports star, all of a sudden you can afford these funny little pills and powders that make you feel awesome... for anywhere from 5 minutes up to 4 hours. Then you come down and face the harsh reality that you are the AFL's 'example' of what-not-to-do-kids.

I like the fact that the AFL are actually getting out there & finally not letting bad eggs (for want of a better term, it's early ok, my vocabulary is still waking up) get swept under the carpet and quietly put into rehab centres instead of being splashed around on the front page of the paper, being publicly shamed for glorifying a lifestyle full of drugs and alcohol*.

I agree with what you said Pers, his manager should have shut the hell up & Ben should have said, yep, no worries mate, whatever you want... I'll even grow some of my hair for you specially so you can test that too. To quote too many people, with fame comes responsibility. All of a sudden you're in the spotlight and influencing people left right & centre. And for some reason, the more famous you are, the more you can get away with, simply because you are famous. It's wrong. There are laws against it. Those laws effect everyone in this country. You can't keep to the laws, you get in trouble and have to deal with the consequences. Welcome to the real world.

So... I'm also sounding like I care here... Really, I don't. About the football thing anyway. But I got my two cents in cos I can :D

*Pers, you are hardly a bad example, less than half a dozen e's a year and half a line of coke is not the worst thing you could be (and probably are ;P) doing.

WitchOne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WitchOne said...

HEY, I don't like marriage, it's my choice not his!

So there!

And go update our blog you slackarse.

wari lasi said...

then they turn to drugs or fishing

What's wrong with fishing Witchie?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

How about fishing while on drugs?

WitchOne said...

Nothing is wrong with fishing Wari my dear, Symonds (cricketer, dreadlocks and white zinc on his huge lips) missed an important team meeting or something and got in big trouble for going fishing. It hit the news a while ago.

wari lasi said...

An oblique reference Witchie, but one I should have picked up on. He actually got dropped from the side for it. He's back in of course but his last innings was anything but spectacular, a duck I believe.

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yep - a duck.

Maybe he should have stayed fishing.

WitchOne said...

In the Sunday Hun he missed an important training session due to sleeping in, maybe it's not worth getting up for if it's not fishing??

Stubbadub said...

It’s been my experience that you need to be on drugs to enjoy fishing. For example, when I smoked pot, I loved fishing. When I stopped smoking pot, I saw fishing as a violent yet incredibly boring way to spend time.

wari lasi said...

I saw fishing as a violent yet incredibly boring way to spend time

What sort of fishing? I never fished until I moved here. There's nothing like being on a boat with a marlin on.

patchouligirl said...

We'll be doing some more water related activities now we're down by the lake. The joys of moving have included a week without the telephone and 2 weeks without broadband. I've only limped in here on dial up but glad to see you are all still around.

WitchOne said...

PATCH!!!! Welcome home.......

Perseus said...

I'm a genius .

And Eddie Maguire is a CuntCunt.

Lewd Bob said...

You can have him. I'd rather take Jenna Jameson. (insert animal noises)

Lewd Bob said...

Oh, and incidentally, The Age did a much better photoshop of him than you.

Perseus said...

Did they Lewd Bob? Did they?

Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Yes, they did.

Sorry Pers.

Perseus said...

Their art is more professional, I concede. But my picture is better.

MS Paint rocks.